Semi-Meaningful Tasks HURT!

what if it was your job to perform small semi-meaningful tasks that caused some pain and/or discomfort? like, what if it was your job to put keys on keyrings, or clasp and unclasp gold necklaces... (you know those circular hooks with the little barb sticking out). what if it was your job to see how many times a lighter would provide a flame, or just start pull start lawn mowers. like, thats all you did. pull start lawn mowers...all day. you know, we can invent everything in the world, but instead of just inventing new stuff - why not spend time improving what we have? i'd love beer in a bottle, without the somewhat painful job of opening it. maybe i'm a big panzy, but instead of creating a new dispenser for beer (like the party ball), why not make regular 12 oz. bottles easier to open? i mean, when you get up to 32 oz., it's a screwcap. now, why make that size easier to open? i mean, you'd have to go through several painful 12 oz. bottlecap openings to equal the far easier task of simply unscrewing a much larger 32 oz. personally, i think that by making the much bigger bottle even EASIER to open, it promotes alcoholism. but no, instead of making a domestic bottlecap thay doesn't scrape your skin all up, they'll invent some sort of new device to dispense beer into (like a new 11 oz. bottle, or a ceramic lemur coffee mug). here's another question: why does coffee have to be so hot? i mean, is that absolutely necessary? couldn't it be just a little cooler? does it have to be 4000 degrees, with the power to melt your skin off? now, instead of making even more varieties of coffee (like lattes, cappachinos, mochas), why not just make regular coffee a little less hot? i know, i could get iced coffee... but that's just it - i don't want iced coffee. i want regular coffee that isn't hotter than freaking lava. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i like the little warning i see on the side of to-go coffee cups. it says "Warning: The Product You Are About To Enjoy Is Extremely Hot". that's not exactly true. you're not ABOUT to enjoy it, you're ABOUT to burn your tongue like an idiot. now, it should say "Warning: The Product You Are About To Enjoy Is Too Hot To Physically Consume Right Now. Wait A Little While So You Don't Burn The Piss Out Of Yourself.". now, that would be a great warning.

Adam's House. Episode 2.

ah, July 4th. a great day for celebrating the independence of our country by drinking obscene amounts of alchohol. it seems that i've been doing this since birth - and this year was no exception.

i started the day off with good intentions. adam had called me and mentioned he was having people over at his parents' house again, and if i'm not mistaken, also told me to not take anyones pants this time. i assured him i wouldn't, said i was gonna go pick up some beer and me and the aimster would be right over.

of course, by the time we're walking out of albertsons, we've bought 2 cases of Bud Lt. and 2 cases of Natty. everyone was like "hey, buy me some beer and i'll pay you when you get here", etc. we put the cases in the back of the truck and headed for the:

(ding! ding! here comes mistake number one)

daiquiri shop.

so aimee orders the regular old pina colada or whatever. but i'm thinking "ok, daiquiris. this should start my day off with a nice buzz" so i order the super-gallon ass size TKO with an extra shot of everclear. she handles me the bucket, i took a sip, and it tasted like i'd cracked open a bottle of rubbing alcohol. seriously. we use everclear at the bar to remove permanant marker. it's like i'm drinking kerosene - with a fruity aftertaste. but did it slow me down? oh heeeeeeeeelll no.

so i'm drinking this massive concotion and driving for the kings. we pull up and it's just a few people. i'm was drinking the TKO, but fast because by this time, i was tired of it and desired one of the beers. i was taking these huge gulps. i was like "here, taste this" and people were like "hmmm... did you get into the gas can again? jesus...".

so finally, about 20 minutes after we'd gotten there - i finished it. i went inside and grabbed one of the beers. it was about this time that things started to get a little hazy and distorted. it's like in the movies when they show the fucked up guys' face, show what he sees: this wavy contortion, then shows his face again. thats what was going on. really.

so i had another beer and another and another. i remember talking to blake and may near the table, and they're like "sam, you're obviously fucked up", and i go "what?! no man, not yet...". but oh yes. i was. so i drank another beer and decided to get in the pool.

(ding! ding! mistake number two.)

i don't remember much about this part but i do remember this is where things started getting absolutly rediculous. this is that point where alcohol has taken control of you. i just remember swimming in the deep end and going all the way to the bottom and staying down there too long. then i'd pop up. i did this over and over again. swim down, pop up. so then i decided to swim over by the slide. i came up and there was heather and tandie. so i started talking to them, and one of them says "sam, you have this huge booger hanging out of your nose...". i was like "son of a bitch, motherfucker. i think that's the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me."

but it wasn't. it was at that point i decided to get out of the pool and get on the slide.

(ding! ding!. HORRIBLE mistake number 3.)

so i climb to the top of the slide and i stand on it. standing up. wasted, about 12 feet above the concrete patio just waiting to split my skull open like a melon. everybody was saying "SAM! GET OFF OF THERE! YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED! GET DOWN!". i'm just observing the view, in a maniacal drunken rage. so finally i slide down, swim over to the side and get out of the pool with my ass hanging out of the trunks.

by now, i'm clueless. i'm completly shit-hammered. i think i walked around and ran into stuff. i remember walking out into the driveway and talking to people. somebody told me i started pissing all over bradley's car but i don't remember that. i was just super fucked, and still drinking beer. i mean, schnokered.

eventually i had to pee again, so i was walking all around the house trying to find a place to go. i saw aimee go into the bathroom in the hallway, and i was like "what a great idea", so i went in behind her. she sat down to pee, and i had to go too so i started going in the sink. aimee was like "you know, if you had to go that bad, you could have gone before me" but i told her that pissing in the sink was much cooler than pissing in toilets. so then we finish up, i rinse the sink out and we walk out into the living room. aimee immedietly starts telling everybody that i pissed in the sink. i said "i just really had to go" and aimee was all "no you didn't. you said you peed in the sink because pissing in the sink is cool" and i go "well, it is...". shortly after this, i started thinking i was having a heart attack and i was totally ready to go home. but then i remembered to go and ask for the money for the beer i bought. marco and bradley told me to get $10 out of thier wallets. people were making jokes like "hey, better not let sam get into the pants room again". so i remember opening every wallet in the room, checking id's to see who's was who's. i took whatever, made change for whatever, and walked out the room.

so then i was like "ok, everybody. i'm leaving." so i walked outside, and glen says "sam, you're a little messed up. let me drive you home." we got into the truck and glen - the saint that he is - drove me and aimee to the homestead, about 8 blocks away.

so for the rest of the evening, i sat on the couch being confused. looking around the room breathing heavilly..wondering about corners, cracked paint. just sitting there. eventually i passed out and was late getting to work.

the next day i called adam to ask him what i did. he filled in some gaps that i'd apparantly forced from memory. he did key me into something interesting. apparantly after everyone was getting ready to go home, there was some discussion about the transactions i'd performed. bradley was $20 short instead of 10 and glen's wallet was completely rearranged. he'd magically made about $7 though.

so, there you go. drunken memories of another July 4th. i wonder when adam's parents are going out of town again.