Well, like a real Jack in the Box - you never know when it's going to pop out. It's like those toys from when you were a kid - you turn the little crank and SURPRISE! So I'm just past Breaux Bridge when I feel the first signs of discomfort. I can tell that this one is going to be bad too. My stomach is just going crazy rumbling and tumbling and it's just not a good situation. To top it off, I had that post late night dry sweat thing going on, and my hair was sort of matted down and I was all unshaven (just giving you a visual). You know the look I'm talking about. Well, you know how that look feels? Just horrible. Like, I'm leaning forward over the steering wheel - mouth open, slightly frowning. So finally I'm nearing the University exit and I'm like "Man, I'm going to have to take care of some buisness soon"... So I pulled into a Circle K instincively, then realized this would be the worst place to do what I have to do. I mean, I've never had a good experience in a Circle K bathroom. So I turn around and continue driving. Then I see a McDonalds. I mean, this can't be so bad. It's almost 10, the breakfast rush is probably out of the way (you have to plan these things...), and there's not too many cars in the parking lot. Just a van. A long one with a lot of windows with some church listed on the side of it. Nothing out of the ordinary.
So I walk inside, visibly uncomfortable - hastily walking fast and awkward to the bathroom. As i'm making my way through the dining room, there's a bunch of people, more than i'd think would be in here, sitting at tables together. They're also wearing these little green chords around their necks attached to those laminate backstage pass looking things. I really think nothing of it, because at this point i know that time is of the essence. If I don't get in this bathroom now, i'm going to have a VERY bad day in Lafayette if you know what i mean.
I open the bathroom door and thank God it's empty. It's nice to know that every McD's bathroom is fairly uniform: brown tile, beige walls with that orangepeel finish, lots of flourescent light. There's usually a papertowel dispenser next to an electric blower in which someone has most certainly scratched 'step one' into reading "push butt" instead of "push button". Classic humor. I'd like to meet the first guy who came up with that one. Not to get off the subject, but I noticed most of the blower companies wised up and learned to just use pictures instead of worded instructions. That's too bad. I'd always snikered at the thought of an old man in say 1987 walking up to it after washing his hands and saying "well now, gotta dry mah hands.. lets see here... step one: push butt...ok.. oooh.. AW DAMMIT. NOW MY ASS IS ALL WET. i'm going to ask for the manager...".
Ok.. anyways, so I run into the stall, slam the door, drop down and just BLAM! you know. Do my thing. oh man.. relief. Thank you sweet Jesus. Oh thank You!!! but no sooner had I sat down I heard the door open. Ok, now - you know this is going to be bad. You NEVER want that door to open when you're in a public bathroom stall. Never. It's like you just went from taking care of one of nature's absolute most necessary things to putting on a show when you don't feel like it. It's like seeing a little dog wearing a sweater... he's not happy about it. Well, Ii wasn't happy about this. So i hear what sounds like 2 people in the bathroom shuffling around. I'm like "what in the hell are these people doing? TRYING to make me feel uncomfortable?".
Next thing i know, one of them starts going "UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNGHHH". Now i'm freaked out. I'm like "What the fuck is going on? Could there be genuine retards in this bathroom with me? This is either going to be extremely awkward or completely hilarious - one or the other" So then the unthinkable happens. I'm sitting down on a toilet, obviously feeling vulnerable - when one of them looks over the stall. Down at me. I mean, I'm naked waste down, man.. I have pants around my ankles! There is the top half of some dudes face staring at me. I look back at him, blink for a seond, and as plain as possible say "Um, can I help you?"... The face retreats and says something in retard to the other guy, and i'm like "I'm getting the fuck out of here...". I wiped and got the hell out.
As I open the stall door, there's 2 dudes standing there looking at me with green chords on like i'm the outdsider. It was eerie. So I open the bathroom door and they're all out there. It's like "holy shit..."... Like - of all the luck, I pick the one fast food place where these guys are. Every table is filled with retarded people looking at me. Like they sent the other 2 in after me. Where's the church leader that was supposed to be watching them? Who is in charge here?! What the fuck is going on?! As I left, the first thing i thought was "Man, I should have just crapped at the Circle K". I guess the moral of the story is try and avoid fast food at all cost. If you buy it at the fast food restaurant, chances are you'll be leaving it at another fast food restaurant... The second thought i had was "I have to call Hilbun immediately. Of everyone I know, he'll probably get the most humor out of this...". So there it is.
