This weekend, I was on a plane and I noticed several things. For one, planes are a place you'll see a lot of people reading... and in this day in age, it's probably one of the only places adults see a gaggle of open books and people actually engrossed in reading anything at all. I noticed that I paid particular attention to the titles of books, which told me a lot about people I didn't know. For instance, I saw a mother of 2 little kids reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", an older businessman reading "Rich Dad, Poor Dad", and several middle aged women reading various Danielle Steele type paperbacks. It was at this moment I realized they were probably looking at my book, which kind of made me self concious and kind of trying to distort their line of view of it. (I don't know why.. it wasn't a dirty book or anything). Suddenly, I wished I had a fake book cover entitled "Shit! Motherfucker Ass Bitch Whores and the Shitty Balls Ass Fuck Crap Shits!" I would act like I was engrossed in it, opening my mouth in an "Ohhhhhhh!" type of look, eyebrows raised, and nodding my head...
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Why does it never fail that when I walk into a public bathroom, walk to a urinal, and begin to pee.... a guy walks into one of the stalls and has explosive diarrhea? No embarrassment whatsoever. It's like "Hey everyone, listen to this!" Exploding ass man has no shame. If this guy is this loud at his house, there would be noise complaints. It's like when you're at a red light, and those annoying assholes pull up with the bass... Actually, i think I'm onto something here. The dickheads with the bass are the same dickheads with explosive public bathroom diarrhea. Now it all makes sense.
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Speaking of bathrooms, how come when you encounter a motion-activated faucet, they don't put out enough water to actually wash the soap off your hands. You're like "Oh great! Now I'm going to have to walk around all day with soapy fucking hands!" Who came up with this? Did regular faucets not do the trick for this guy? What's even worse is that you're up there practically beakdancing in front of the sensor trying to make it turn your water back on. That's what the world needs. A line of people dancing in front of public bathroom sinks trying to get soap off their hands. If I'd known before that I wouldn't be able to actually get the soap OFF my hands, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of beginning the hand washing progress. This is bullshit. Where's the Purell (tm)?
