Ok, so recently we've adopted a new animal. One day after band practice a couple weeks back, I noticed a little baby kitten running around the dumpster and since I'm not a heartless bastard, I begged Aimee to take her in. This took a substantial amount of posturing ("Sam, I'm pregnant. And I don't want some animal coming in here with diseases infecting the whole house with God knows what.." "Aimee, I'm pretty sure the animal isn't rabid or anything. It wasn't frothing at the mouth, flailing about in a deranged state..." etc. etc..). But in the end, she caved. I took her to the vet to have her checked out, but we didn't name her so they went with "Kitten Terito" by default. This could've probably worked, but we already have another cat named "Kitty Terito" to show our lack of a naming acumen. We thought long and hard for unusual names for our new pet: Elizabeth, Judy, Deborah, Andrea, Megatron, Destructorr, Fucker, Malaisia, Mary Todd Lincoln.. But I went to pick her up, I informed the staff at Sherwood South Animal Hospital that our animal now has a proper name. And with that, Linda Terito has officially joined our clan.
Since she has become one of us, we've been graced with many stories to tell of her acquaintance into our home. But one stands out more than others. We had to quarantine her into the hallway bath to slowly bring her along into our family; for both her personal protection as Kitty has been pretty much slapping the everliving shit out of her every chance he gets. But one morning before work, we opened the door and she was gone. Vanished. Missing. Linda had somehow inexplicably escaped her bathroom cell. This was rather shocking. I didn't think she had the size nor skill to turn the doorknob and open the door - or break a window, or make a rope out of her kitten toys, or chisel through sheetrock, or teleport. Regardless, Linda was no longer in this room.
We looked under every piece of furniture, I put on my jacket and cased the outside of the house. She's pretty small so maybe she'd darted out between our legs as we were cracking the door. Hell, maybe she'd taken one of the cars. At this point I really began to think anything was possible and had to check the keys on the keyrack by the back door to make sure they were still there.
I walked around the back yard yelling "Linda! Linda! Where are you?" So I'm sure this roused suspicion amongst the neighbors. They probably either thought that I was looking for a cat named Linda, or was otherwise a deranged old man suffering from some sort of advanced brain trauma or atrophy. But either way you look at it, Linda was gone.
After checking the attic, me and Aimee were perplexed. "WHERE IS SHE? WHERE COULD SHE BE?" "I DON'T KNOW!!!" We were just dumbfounded. Finally I looked at Aimee and said, "Maybe she was a ghost cat." And I was being completely serious. Aimee, also being completely serious, goes "That's crazy.. but I mean.. where else could she be? Maybe she IS a ghost cat."
So with that, me and Aimee together seriously thought about the most ridiculous thing the two of us have ever thought as a couple. But then something just dawned on me.. What about behind the countertops in the room she was actually in? I opened the cabinets. No Linda. But upon completely removing the bottom drawer, a little brown furrball cowered at the back of the counterspace. "LINDA!!!" She had contorted herself past the baseboard and found probably a 2" gap to crawl in. I just sat there and thought "Why would she do this?" but it's a little tough to put yourself in the mind of a 2 month old kitten. Then I thought about how the builder of the cabinets must have had reservations of building a childproof cabinet but he'd carelessly thought about the kittens and their plight in this world. That son of a bitch.
Anyways, if you've got nothing to do this weekend, go pull all the drawers out of the cabinets in your bathroom. Who knows what you might find?
