Things You Can't Do With Silica Gel.

it never fails, everytime i get a new jacket or pair of jeans, i always find a little packet of little crystals called silica gel. i don't know what it is or what it does. i've always just looked at it as a free prize i got for buying the article of clothing, like at the bottom of crackerjack or cereal. the first thing i say to anyone who is in the room when i find it is "hey, silica gel. lets eat this... oh, wait.. it says not to...". literally. i do this every time.

so the only warning is to not eat it. thats the first thing that whomever put that in your clothes wants you to know. it's not for eating. you don't need to know what it is, you just need to know not to eat it. i mean, is this some type of reflex people have i don't know about? eating stuff they find in new things?

it's not like i buy a new cd, open the case and start eating the compact disc. or buy a drill and start eating the drill bits or battery charger. in fact, i can't think of anything people may eat when they would buy some type of new accessory or piece of clothing. "hey, look at this new shirt i bought at the mall. it used to have buttons on it, but after i got into the car i had the strange urge to eat them. yeah, weird.. i know...".

but that's the only rule. you can rub it on your skin, throw it at children, give it to the dog, snort it, rub it in your eyes, pee on it, make fun of it - but for pete's sake.. DO NOT EAT IT! anything else, fine. it might be the tastiest thing in the world but we will never know. we have been forbidden by its creator to eat it.

so tell me. have any of you eaten the silica gel?

Adam's House. Episode 1.

you know, i'm always about a week late on bringing my blog up to date. i guess getting anecdotal takes some time. stories have to age, i assume. like old Uncle Remus or the Crypt Keeper. i mean, storytellers have always been older, right? hearing a sentance like "GRANDPA, TELL US A STORY" would be more traditional than hearing "Hey, Billy. How about one of those stories...". ok, for the record.. it's official... i CANNOT ever drink liquor again. never. maybe a shot. like 1. maybe 2. other than that, better get me to just stick to the beer. last week, good old adam king decided to have a party at his parents house. in case none of you have heard about what happened last time i partied at adam's parents, allow me to bring you up to speed: Party at the King's House. PART 1. Summer 2003. As most summer parties around a pool go, we had been drinking a rediculous amount of beer during the day in the blazing sun. As the party had winded down, I was going to leave and change out of my swim trunks, so i walked into the bedroom my shorts were in - took off the trunks and put the shorts back on. So, as i was extremely intoxicated, i apparantly then immediately forgot i'd changed pants. i assumed i was still in my trunks, and grabbed another pair of pants sitting on the floor. i walked to my car, threw the pants in the back seat and proceeded to not remember driving home. the next day i got up for work and vaguely remember getting a bunch of cell phone calls during the night. (que Nokia tune): "Hello...?" "Sam, do you have Mike's pants?" "What?" "Sam, please make sure you didn't grab Mike's pants by mistake..." "Wait... What? What pants?" "Mike's pants. Do you have them. Did you grab them by accident..." "Pants? No. I'm not wearing any pants..." (click) so i awoke the next morning, feeling like shit, and i got dressed to go to work. as i looked in the back seat i saw a pair of pants. I was like "hmm... how did these get here." I brought them inside and as I carried them, i noticed the weight of a wallet in the back pocket. When i opened it, i slowly remembered the hazy phone calls and a limited amount of their content. But as I saw Mikey's smiling face on the ID, i couldn't help but smile back at him. So at 6:15 in the morning, I called him to tell him of my discovery. "Hey man, did you put your pants in the back seat of my car..." "No. You did....(pause)...and shit, now I have a lot of apologies to make..." Hours after I'd left the party with his pants, he'd gotten out of the pool to go and get dressed and discovered that his pants had obviously been stolen. He'd cursed people out, made accusations, threatened to beat people up. I couldnt help but think of an enraged Mike Terito screaming at people in a pool.. with his swimsuit on. He'd cancelled all of his credit cards, debit cards, everything. I felt so bad that I drove out to Gonzales just to take him to lunch. Well, the next thing you know... it's 2005 and i've got a TKO Daquirri with an EXTRA shot of Everclear... TO BE CONTINUED, maybe...

Disney World? Disney PLANET!

what a week. i've just had one of the most insane weeks of my life and i'm def ready for a nap. here's the update on what m.c. sam has been into for the last 2 weeks. for those of yous who don't know, me and aimee got engaged this weekend. you know, what kind of word is that. engaged? i mean, it makes me think of some fighter pilot term... "missles engaged.."? anyway, it was finally time to do it and move on to the next chapter in my life. sorry ladies.. this motherfucker is taken. so i just got back from the happiest place on earth: Disneyworld. Aimee worked there a few years back, was part of the Disney college program, and met some of the most interesting people you could imagine. i could honestly do a sociological study on the typical Disney employee. there are some of them who won't go and see movies made by Universal, Fox, or Warner Bros... only companies owned by Disney. They'll only watch ABC, they don't accept the existance of Shrek or South Park. Why have Daffy Duck when you could have Donald Duck? Why have Bugs Bunny when you could have Roger Rabbit? and the thing is, you don't know these people exist until you emurse yourself in their culture. It's the closest thing to a cult that can thrive in modern society. maybe i'm just pissed because there's no Sam-World. instead of the "Tower of Terror", i'd have the "Tower of Terrorism". i'd also make a Judge Genius ride, where you would go into a big dome and people would chase you with rubber mallots while JG played at full volume. or maybe i'd make a ride where you go into a dark hallway and just trip over stuff. I'd call it the "Great Big Falldown". As we walked around Disney, i looked at the despaired looks on some of the people's faces as they waited in lines. then i had an idea for another ride. "Line - THE RIDE". it would be this long line that lead to a door, and after people waited for 45 minutes, the door would open and it would just be nothing. or maybe another line to stand in. after i stood in line for something for like 30 minutes, i told aimee "hey, maybe this is all there is. it's just a line...". then we went on the Pirates of the Carribean. there was this little girl with her parents, just about to get on the boat... and the girl was just crying her eyes out. she was like "I don't want to die..." and aimee leant over and was like "you're not going to die..". i looked at aimee a few minutes later and said "you don't know if that girl's going to die or not. she might flip out and jump out of the boat or something..". then aimee told me a few years ago this retarded kid jumped out of Splash Mountain and died. wouldn't that be awesome to see that happen? anyways, here's the list of rides we're making for the grand opening of Sam-World, coming fall of 2008.

1. "Tower of Terrorism"

2. "Line - the Ride"

3. "The Great Big Falldown"

4. Run from whorish ants in "Ants! Whores! Ant-whore!"

5. "Cow - The Adventure"

6. "Virtual Poverty"

7. "Purgatory. Then Hell. Just kidding, WE GAVE YOU ACID!" (ages 8 and up)

8. "Punch a Bum in the Gut"

9. "the Great Prison Rape Adventure".

10. "Wake Up With Cheetos".

11. fun for the whole family in "Captain Hoof and the Beastiality Train"

12. "Escape From Satsuma"

13. carry a pallet of bricks on "Bad Back"

14. "Grandma and the Money Shot"... and last but not least...

15. Shit Out A Buick.