Thursday, December 22, 2005
My Army of Monkeys and Horses.
i'm bored and yesterday i finished the majority of work i had to do for this week. so i figured what the hell. post a blog. yesterday we had band practice - which is really just an excuse for me to drink beer. after that, i went to Champs (or is it Champps... or Chammps...) and ate with a few people. it was kind of funny, because right before practice, i told talley and paul i was eating at Champs and they both laughed because they thought it was the shoe store. wouldn't that be interesting? so i went to the restaurant all the while thinking how funny it would be to eat in the shoe store, and drank even more. luckilly it's only about 2 miles from my house. when i finally got home, i opened another beer in the fridge and spent about 45 minutes trying to convnce the wild housecat that lives outside my house to come INSIDE the house because it was warmer in there. i finally warmed up some deli sliced turkey in the microwave and set it inside the front door. when the cat started eating the turkey, i shut the door and said "see? doesn't it feel much warmer in the house"? she probably thought so for a minute but then realized she was inside and started making all kind of fucked up meows and noises. i opened the door and with the quickness... she was up and out. i was sad because i thought i was being like St. Francis of Assissi, and i walked outside and told the cat this. then i started thinking how great it would be to have dominion and command over all animals, complete mind control. i would have an army of wild horses with chimpanzees on their back. the horse for the speed. the monkey for dexterity. i would send these armies over to old people's houses. as the herd of monkeys and horses approached the house, one of the chimps (the lead monkey) would get off the horse and quietly open the front door. he would then walk back to his horse, get on it and then lead the charge... 10, 20, 30 horses being ridden by monkeys running wild through the house. knocking over lamps... attacking the old people in thier beds... fucking awesome. alls well that ends well. i passed out on the couch with all my clothes on and woke up at 2 in the morning and my hand was asleep. michelle wie was on television on a replay of ESPN's Sportcenter. so i got up and went to bed.
the night i got beat up
Here's a little story people have been reminding me of lately. Now, i haven't been in many fights in my life. it's just not something i really want to do. i assume nobody likes to get punched in the head, neck, chest, face, eyes, or mouth but i guess you just never know...
let's flash back to march 2002. i was manic, depressed, and unstable. i'd just gotten out of a super long relationship that had spanned my senior year of high school all the way thru college. it was a love-hate thing. it was fueled by teenage angst and later by twixter post-college rage. head over heels one minute and painfully low the next.
one night while leaving a super bowl party, i had an revealation. get out of this now. virtually the end of a 7 year fight came to a denoument. it was like the voice of God telling me "Look... this just isn't in the cards for you people. You take my name in vain too much...". it was either that or the gallons of beer i drank that night. regardless, i had a long drive home from Mike's in Gonzales and plenty of time to think. by the time i got home, the decision had been made. the fights were over...
but i suppose we had one REALLY GOOD fight left in us.
easter weekend, 2002. me and a bunch of friends had gathered at my parents house to do a little pre-partying and night planning. getting a buzz and deciding what bar to go to. it was here that my friends revealed that most of them had been invited to a party at my ex-girlfriend's house. she'd informed one of them about how awesome it was going to be and how there was going to be a spacewalk, a pool filled with pudding, jello shots - you name it. my friends, being the stand up folk that they are, were like "man, we really want to go to this. i mean, there might be naked chicks" and all this shit. of course.
i, being the post-volitile man child i was at the time, became furious. my friends weren't gonna go to a party and leave ME at home!!! i had 2 options at that point: raise hell and tell them we should all just go somewhere else; or i could go to the party with them. unfortunately i opted for the latter, thus putting into motion a wave of events that should have never happened. we packed a couple of ice chests, got in a few cars, and ventured into the promised land.
when we arrived, i was amazed at all the cars. i'll give her credit - this was a pretty good party. people were running around out of thier minds. there was a slip-n-slide (or a piece of visquine caked over the lawn with a nearby hose), spacewalk, all kinds of shit. scantilly clad girls were covered in pudding, water, pieces of grass, dirt... it was an interesting scene to say the least. she'd also made about 5 billion jello shots, to which my friends helped themselves to aggregiously.
booze, girls, the hose, and a bunch of people we don't know are not a good combination for my clan. as the hours ticked by, i watched my buddy Dustin take at least 10 shots. now, you have to know him to appreciate him. he's an odd one and engages in questionable behavior when the alcohol flows. always pulls off the shirt and starts talking amazing amounts of shit. a very powerful country accent (even though he's not from the country) and a touch of madness, combined with his 5 foot frame mixed with everclear was a death sentence for all of us. he's walking up to girls and saying things like "yall wanna fuck?" and "yall wanna see it?", etc...
by 2 am or so, it had come to a boiling point. it was getting crucial that we got him out of there. every girl in the party had now seen him with his pants down as he propostioned them. it wasn't pretty. finaly he walked up to the wrong girl, a friend of ours from way back but no longer single. in fact, surrounded by her boyfriend and several of his friends. they were all standing around their car and getting ready to leave. dustin was smashing his pecker against the passenger side window and screaming "YOU WANNA SEE IT?!" we were like "Oh my God, this is not good...". her boyfrined's pals were not amused and said something along the lines of "Bruh, you better get the fuck out of here or, bruh, we're gonna kick your ass... bruh" or the like. mac, matt allen, and myself (the only ones in my click left at the party) were trying feverishly to get dustin into mac's car. i remember saying "hey man. he's drunk. we're getting him out of here" and mac saying something like that as well.
just then, dustin tears into this "FUCK YALL MOTHERFUCKERS. I'LL BEAT ALL YOUR ASSES" and we're like "No. You won't. Let's just get in the car". The goons are adding fuel to the fire, saying "You better get that motherfucker out of here" and we're like "yeah, we're trying" as we goad dustin to the car. Dustin continues with "Let me go. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of those motherfuckers" and we're like "Come on, man - you're wasted". Finally we got him into the backseat of the car, shut his door, and we all walked to our corresponding car doors and got inside. As soon as we shut our doors, Dustin got out.
I remember looking at all of them in the car, realizing that things were about to get bad. Mac looking into the backseat from the driver's seat. Matt looking into the backseat from the front passenger seat. Me looking at the both of them from the backseat. There was this collective "Oh shit. Here we go" that came out of all of us. Dustin was outside screaming, daring them to come over. As we all opened our doors, one of them finally got tired of hearing his shit and walked over to him.
We all walked to the back of the car and one of them lunged for Dustin. As he tried to move out of the way and assume a fighting stance, his lower leg just snapped. Nobody had laid a hand on him. Just the way he pivoted. He just sort of crumbled, holding his leg going "Motherfucker!". So the guy sort of leans over him like he's going to hit him and Mac pulls him back.
Next thing I know, Mac is on the ground getting pummeled. left. right. left. right...in the face. I'm like "Hey, man. Just get off of him.." and tried to pull him off but I was hardly slowing the blows. Finally I started punching the guy in the back of the head until he stopped.
That's when the melee began. One of the other dudes threw me onto the ground and had his knee on my right arm. He's punching away while one of the other guys comes over and is punching me as well. I'm using my left arm to try and sort of deflect the punches but they just keep coming. Bap Bap Bap Bap. I remember thinking "Ok. Ow. Ok. Come on. Please stop hitting me. Ow. Dammit. This is rediculous. We're making fools of ourselves..." but the guy just kept pounding away.
Eventually they got tired of beating us. We got up and assessed the damage. I remember picking Dustin up and putting him in the car. It was ironic that the guy that got us into all this had never thrown a punch. My lip was bleeding but that was all. I thought "Wow, all that punching in the face and all I got was a busted lip?". Mac looked ok (at the time). I remember looking up and everyone at the party was just looking at us. Everyone was thinking "Oh. It was that Ex-Boyfriend that caused all this trouble."
Dustin immedietly starts talking about how needs to go to the hospital. We kept telling him he would be ok and that if we went to he hospital they would call his parents. "I don't fucking care, man. My leg is seriously broken, i know it...". So we head to OLOL and proceed to spend the next 5 hours there...
All in all, Dustin required major surgery on his leg involving a metal plate. Mac's eyes were both black, and I got a busted lip. I called the ex-gf the next day to apologize but it did little good. Getting punched in the face doesn't hurt that bad, but it makes for a great story.
let's flash back to march 2002. i was manic, depressed, and unstable. i'd just gotten out of a super long relationship that had spanned my senior year of high school all the way thru college. it was a love-hate thing. it was fueled by teenage angst and later by twixter post-college rage. head over heels one minute and painfully low the next.
one night while leaving a super bowl party, i had an revealation. get out of this now. virtually the end of a 7 year fight came to a denoument. it was like the voice of God telling me "Look... this just isn't in the cards for you people. You take my name in vain too much...". it was either that or the gallons of beer i drank that night. regardless, i had a long drive home from Mike's in Gonzales and plenty of time to think. by the time i got home, the decision had been made. the fights were over...
but i suppose we had one REALLY GOOD fight left in us.
easter weekend, 2002. me and a bunch of friends had gathered at my parents house to do a little pre-partying and night planning. getting a buzz and deciding what bar to go to. it was here that my friends revealed that most of them had been invited to a party at my ex-girlfriend's house. she'd informed one of them about how awesome it was going to be and how there was going to be a spacewalk, a pool filled with pudding, jello shots - you name it. my friends, being the stand up folk that they are, were like "man, we really want to go to this. i mean, there might be naked chicks" and all this shit. of course.
i, being the post-volitile man child i was at the time, became furious. my friends weren't gonna go to a party and leave ME at home!!! i had 2 options at that point: raise hell and tell them we should all just go somewhere else; or i could go to the party with them. unfortunately i opted for the latter, thus putting into motion a wave of events that should have never happened. we packed a couple of ice chests, got in a few cars, and ventured into the promised land.
when we arrived, i was amazed at all the cars. i'll give her credit - this was a pretty good party. people were running around out of thier minds. there was a slip-n-slide (or a piece of visquine caked over the lawn with a nearby hose), spacewalk, all kinds of shit. scantilly clad girls were covered in pudding, water, pieces of grass, dirt... it was an interesting scene to say the least. she'd also made about 5 billion jello shots, to which my friends helped themselves to aggregiously.
booze, girls, the hose, and a bunch of people we don't know are not a good combination for my clan. as the hours ticked by, i watched my buddy Dustin take at least 10 shots. now, you have to know him to appreciate him. he's an odd one and engages in questionable behavior when the alcohol flows. always pulls off the shirt and starts talking amazing amounts of shit. a very powerful country accent (even though he's not from the country) and a touch of madness, combined with his 5 foot frame mixed with everclear was a death sentence for all of us. he's walking up to girls and saying things like "yall wanna fuck?" and "yall wanna see it?", etc...
by 2 am or so, it had come to a boiling point. it was getting crucial that we got him out of there. every girl in the party had now seen him with his pants down as he propostioned them. it wasn't pretty. finaly he walked up to the wrong girl, a friend of ours from way back but no longer single. in fact, surrounded by her boyfriend and several of his friends. they were all standing around their car and getting ready to leave. dustin was smashing his pecker against the passenger side window and screaming "YOU WANNA SEE IT?!" we were like "Oh my God, this is not good...". her boyfrined's pals were not amused and said something along the lines of "Bruh, you better get the fuck out of here or, bruh, we're gonna kick your ass... bruh" or the like. mac, matt allen, and myself (the only ones in my click left at the party) were trying feverishly to get dustin into mac's car. i remember saying "hey man. he's drunk. we're getting him out of here" and mac saying something like that as well.
just then, dustin tears into this "FUCK YALL MOTHERFUCKERS. I'LL BEAT ALL YOUR ASSES" and we're like "No. You won't. Let's just get in the car". The goons are adding fuel to the fire, saying "You better get that motherfucker out of here" and we're like "yeah, we're trying" as we goad dustin to the car. Dustin continues with "Let me go. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of those motherfuckers" and we're like "Come on, man - you're wasted". Finally we got him into the backseat of the car, shut his door, and we all walked to our corresponding car doors and got inside. As soon as we shut our doors, Dustin got out.
I remember looking at all of them in the car, realizing that things were about to get bad. Mac looking into the backseat from the driver's seat. Matt looking into the backseat from the front passenger seat. Me looking at the both of them from the backseat. There was this collective "Oh shit. Here we go" that came out of all of us. Dustin was outside screaming, daring them to come over. As we all opened our doors, one of them finally got tired of hearing his shit and walked over to him.
We all walked to the back of the car and one of them lunged for Dustin. As he tried to move out of the way and assume a fighting stance, his lower leg just snapped. Nobody had laid a hand on him. Just the way he pivoted. He just sort of crumbled, holding his leg going "Motherfucker!". So the guy sort of leans over him like he's going to hit him and Mac pulls him back.
Next thing I know, Mac is on the ground getting pummeled. left. right. left. right...in the face. I'm like "Hey, man. Just get off of him.." and tried to pull him off but I was hardly slowing the blows. Finally I started punching the guy in the back of the head until he stopped.
That's when the melee began. One of the other dudes threw me onto the ground and had his knee on my right arm. He's punching away while one of the other guys comes over and is punching me as well. I'm using my left arm to try and sort of deflect the punches but they just keep coming. Bap Bap Bap Bap. I remember thinking "Ok. Ow. Ok. Come on. Please stop hitting me. Ow. Dammit. This is rediculous. We're making fools of ourselves..." but the guy just kept pounding away.
Eventually they got tired of beating us. We got up and assessed the damage. I remember picking Dustin up and putting him in the car. It was ironic that the guy that got us into all this had never thrown a punch. My lip was bleeding but that was all. I thought "Wow, all that punching in the face and all I got was a busted lip?". Mac looked ok (at the time). I remember looking up and everyone at the party was just looking at us. Everyone was thinking "Oh. It was that Ex-Boyfriend that caused all this trouble."
Dustin immedietly starts talking about how needs to go to the hospital. We kept telling him he would be ok and that if we went to he hospital they would call his parents. "I don't fucking care, man. My leg is seriously broken, i know it...". So we head to OLOL and proceed to spend the next 5 hours there...
All in all, Dustin required major surgery on his leg involving a metal plate. Mac's eyes were both black, and I got a busted lip. I called the ex-gf the next day to apologize but it did little good. Getting punched in the face doesn't hurt that bad, but it makes for a great story.
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