Just so you know, there's nothing more exhilarating than asking your fiancé where the fingernail polish remover is and then using it to remove permanent marker from your fingernails under her less than excited glare. I also had fun stripping down to get in the shower Sunday morning and seeing all my new faux tattoos drawn on with blue highlighter, especially the "I heart dick" on my arm. This is in addition to the huge ejaculating penis drawn on my inner left thigh, the upside down cross on my right thigh complete with "666" and "SATAN!" next to it, respectively... and several illegible things written throughout my body. Holy shit. Looks like Saturday night was a doozy!!
It all started out at my 10-year high school reunion. You know, there's nothing more polarizing than walking into a packed room with people you haven't seen in a decade. Especially getting there late and everyone already being there. I had a fucking blast though. I'm one of those people who loved high school. I hated middle school and everyone in it, but I loved my senior year and mostly my entire class. If I could go back in time, that's what I'd set my flex capacitor for. Either way, it was so great talking to everyone and just getting generally shitty with old friends. The one question I got tired of hearing was "So how have you been" and I eventually tried to work things in like "Oh man, my life is awful. Ok. Just kidding" and things of that nature.
Regardless, eventually the 4 hour time limit we'd rented Roux House for was up, which means its time for the North Gate Tavern after party. Now here's where things get a wee out of hand. There's nothing worse than a drunk person having control of an entire bar and seeing everyone from his high school ask for liquor. Because that drunk person is going to give everyone he sees as much liquor as he can. And yes, that's what I did. I was running back there and completely invading my bartenders' space, grabbing outrageously expensive bottles of shit and pouring like a 6 year old with a jug of Kool Aid. After my 10th shot (at least it seemed like that), someone should have taken me out with a tranquilizer dart. I'm going to start ordering the doorguys to put me in a sleeper hold once I pass a certain threshold. Do you think you could do that, Danny? Aren't you into wrestling?
Well, then I decided to try and dye my dick red. Yes, really. I asked for a 16oz cup of cranberry juice and submerged my junk in it. Then I just walked all over the place with a cup of red, sticky liquid on my wee-wee. As luck would have it, the bar was closed at this point. While most of us were ordered to get out, I decided to walk around in the back parking lot and assault the other NGT employees off the clock with a plastic cup and a lack of all respect for myself. I'm trying to largely block most of this out, because I'm not the type to engage in exhibitionism. I have heard people drink cran to treat urinary tract infections. Perhaps I got this backwards and tried to go from the outside in. I just remember people recoiling in horror as I was running around.
The next morning as I'm walking to my car, I saw Nicole outside the back door. "You were pretty naked last night. We expect that kind of behavior out of Joe, but we thought you were better than that." I showed her all of my new tats. I asked why nobody drew on my face, and she told me that luckily Joe told everyone not to because I "had stuff to do today". Thanks, Joe. So there is what happens at my 10-year reunion. It's time to bring some humility back to the table though. I've been out of control the last couple of weekends. I think I have some pretty good reason. How fucked up is it to have your little brother's bachelor party, his wedding, and a high school reunion in 3 consecutive weekends? I mean, come on. Thats the kind of stuff you should stretch over years. At least months. I'm dealing with weeks, people. So cut me some slack.
Anyways, now I guess I'll have to top it at my 15-year reunion. And in case you're wondering, cranberry red is only temporary. You'll have to go with something stronger for a longer effect but my guinea pig days are over. Why doesn't somebody else do something stupid soon? It's my turn to make fun of you!
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