How come telephone numbers are presented in a 3 digit-4 digit pattern? Who came up with that? Can I take credit for it? 555-1234. There it is... the telephone number presentaion standard. And sometimes phone numbers have the 3 digit area code attached, making it an additional part of the equation. 212-555-1234. That just makes it a little harder. 3/3/4. I bet if you're from another country and you're just learning English, it's a funny day when you learn that one. "Hey Zacharitteye, in America we go with a 3 digit 4 digit pattern... so get with the program".
Fuck that. I'm going to go in a new direction and go with a 2/3/2 pattern. I'm gonna go with a 55-512-34. That's gonna mess with some people. They're gonna be like "Who is THIS guy, fucking with the equation? Who does he think HE is?! You can't mess with that, man. That's the rules." And speaking of phone numbers, how long ago were phone numbers just 1 number:
"Hey, what's your phone number?"
"4."
"Cool. I'm gonna give you a call. By the way, mine's 11."
They had to be like that at some point. I guess Alexander Graham Bell's number was "1". I know he wasn't like "Let's go with 7 numbers just to be weird..." but who knows. Maybe he was one strange cat... I mean, he was going by the 3 names and all. Alexander Bell wasn't good enough. Maybe by that rationale, neither was just one numbered phone numbers.
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I know I've told a few people this before, so you may have already heard this one. Does anyone remember Speak-And-Spell? It was this little electronic toy thing that would basically teach you reading skills in a fun little quizlike manner. There was only one problem. My Speak-And-Spell was mean to me:
"Spell 'RANGER'"
"R-A-N-G-R-E"
"Wrong. Try Again. 'Ranger'"
"R-A-N-J-E-Y-R-E"
"THAT IS INCORRECT. THE CORRECT SPELLING OF 'RANGER' IS R-A-N-G-E-R!!!"
I remmber looking at it saying "Woah, motherfucker. Take it easy" I mean, it's Speak-And-Spell, Not Yell-At-Me-And-Spell. I don't think that would have had the same impact. Hit-Me-And-See-If-You-Can-Spell. Although that would have been pretty cool in a way, I just don't know how I could learn under those circumstances. I believe there were a few more in the series, like "Speak-And-Read" and "Speak-And-Math", but the "Speak-and-Spell was the o.g. of verbally coercive teaching machines. It must not have caught on, because schools still exist. But I'm still a little hurt by the Speak and Spell, and I don't think there's gonna be any changing that. I'm sorry I could never please you, Speak and Spell, wherever you are now... If it makes you feel better, I know how to spell "ranger" today because of you.
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You know what I don't care for too much? Button fly jeans. Who came up with this shit? When I have to pee in a public bathroom, I want to just go with a little pull-the-fly-down action. When you're trying to undo buttons without actually undoing your belt and the first snap, you kind of look like you're playing with yourself. And that looks kind of funny when you're standing at a urinal.
I have one pair. I don't know where I got them but I have a pair of them. They are the devil. In fact, in hell everybody's probably running around in buttonfly jeans, and there is a gigantic Speak and Spell yelling at them all.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
Lies and a lack of extremely time relevant pop culture
It never fails that after a loooooong night out drinking and waking up the next morning hungover as absolute hell, that you'll hear someone say, "Ughh... I am NEVER drinking again..." When you hear them say that, just wait until you see them drinking water or juice or something. Then you can say, "You know, I wish you weren't such a fucking liar!"
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Looking back on my childhood, one thing that constantly sticks out is my Dad's lack of pop culture when relating to me as his teenage son. Technically I'm sure this happens in every generation, and I can only hope my future children and I will be able to continue this ackward bond. I'm sure it happened between my Dad and my grandfather. I'm sure it happened between my grandfather and great grandfather, barring pop culture even existed in the 1910's... still, it's pretty funny when you look back on it.
One time I believe me and my little brother were eating lunch somewhere with my dad in say circa 1994, when he spotted someone he knew and they engaged in conversation. As their conversation winded along, Dad said something like,"You know, it's crazy how fast your kids grow up. One minute they're in grade school, and the next thing you know... I mean, hell, my boy here is listening to David Bowie records like I used to..." which made me almost choke on whatever I was eating. David Bowie? Ok, first of all, its safe to say I have never been some sort of avid David Bowie listener. I might have heard "Spiders From Mars" on the classic rock station once or twice, but I wasn't dressing up like Ziggy Stardust or anything. David Bowie? I was like 14 years old. The only thing I cared about was wearing flannel shirts and listening to Metallica tapes. What the hell? David Bowie?! David BOWIE?! Wasn't he in Labyrinth? Not only accusing me of listening to David Bowie, but implying that HE used to listen to David Bowie. I didn't know what was worse...
There was this other time I remember we were at an LSU football game and being the private catholic high school rebel I was, I was just sitting there with my bangs in my eyes. That was the "grunge fashionista rebellion" of private school. Grow the front of your hair long so you could quickly swing it tho the side of your forehead when the disciplinarian came into view. Anyways, I don't think I was in an ill tempered mood or anything. Just sitting there watching the game when Dad goes "Get that hair out of your eyes... who do you think you are? Slash? Do you think your Slash?" Come on. Slash? By 1994, we were waaaay to occupied with Kurt Cobain's suicide. Guns and Roses was so 1989. I was just snickering to myself over that one. I mean, if I was wearing a top hat with really curly hair in my face, smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather jacket and pants and playing a Les Paul whilst sitting in Tiger Stadium and watching a football game, then yes. Then I would probably venture to say that I thought I was Slash.
So David Bowie and Slash... you guys played a small part in my upbringing, but your sheer mention and comical pop image will live on in my mind forever. I get flashbacks when I'm lucky to spot a father in his 40's with his gothed out teenage son with a pierced lip lagging behind him at public gatherings. I was once that tortured soul too, young man. Don't worry. Life only gets better.
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Looking back on my childhood, one thing that constantly sticks out is my Dad's lack of pop culture when relating to me as his teenage son. Technically I'm sure this happens in every generation, and I can only hope my future children and I will be able to continue this ackward bond. I'm sure it happened between my Dad and my grandfather. I'm sure it happened between my grandfather and great grandfather, barring pop culture even existed in the 1910's... still, it's pretty funny when you look back on it.
One time I believe me and my little brother were eating lunch somewhere with my dad in say circa 1994, when he spotted someone he knew and they engaged in conversation. As their conversation winded along, Dad said something like,"You know, it's crazy how fast your kids grow up. One minute they're in grade school, and the next thing you know... I mean, hell, my boy here is listening to David Bowie records like I used to..." which made me almost choke on whatever I was eating. David Bowie? Ok, first of all, its safe to say I have never been some sort of avid David Bowie listener. I might have heard "Spiders From Mars" on the classic rock station once or twice, but I wasn't dressing up like Ziggy Stardust or anything. David Bowie? I was like 14 years old. The only thing I cared about was wearing flannel shirts and listening to Metallica tapes. What the hell? David Bowie?! David BOWIE?! Wasn't he in Labyrinth? Not only accusing me of listening to David Bowie, but implying that HE used to listen to David Bowie. I didn't know what was worse...
There was this other time I remember we were at an LSU football game and being the private catholic high school rebel I was, I was just sitting there with my bangs in my eyes. That was the "grunge fashionista rebellion" of private school. Grow the front of your hair long so you could quickly swing it tho the side of your forehead when the disciplinarian came into view. Anyways, I don't think I was in an ill tempered mood or anything. Just sitting there watching the game when Dad goes "Get that hair out of your eyes... who do you think you are? Slash? Do you think your Slash?" Come on. Slash? By 1994, we were waaaay to occupied with Kurt Cobain's suicide. Guns and Roses was so 1989. I was just snickering to myself over that one. I mean, if I was wearing a top hat with really curly hair in my face, smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather jacket and pants and playing a Les Paul whilst sitting in Tiger Stadium and watching a football game, then yes. Then I would probably venture to say that I thought I was Slash.
So David Bowie and Slash... you guys played a small part in my upbringing, but your sheer mention and comical pop image will live on in my mind forever. I get flashbacks when I'm lucky to spot a father in his 40's with his gothed out teenage son with a pierced lip lagging behind him at public gatherings. I was once that tortured soul too, young man. Don't worry. Life only gets better.
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