How come telephone numbers are presented in a 3 digit-4 digit pattern? Who came up with that? Can I take credit for it? 555-1234. There it is... the telephone number presentaion standard. And sometimes phone numbers have the 3 digit area code attached, making it an additional part of the equation. 212-555-1234. That just makes it a little harder. 3/3/4. I bet if you're from another country and you're just learning English, it's a funny day when you learn that one. "Hey Zacharitteye, in America we go with a 3 digit 4 digit pattern... so get with the program".
Fuck that. I'm going to go in a new direction and go with a 2/3/2 pattern. I'm gonna go with a 55-512-34. That's gonna mess with some people. They're gonna be like "Who is THIS guy, fucking with the equation? Who does he think HE is?! You can't mess with that, man. That's the rules." And speaking of phone numbers, how long ago were phone numbers just 1 number:
"Hey, what's your phone number?"
"4."
"Cool. I'm gonna give you a call. By the way, mine's 11."
They had to be like that at some point. I guess Alexander Graham Bell's number was "1". I know he wasn't like "Let's go with 7 numbers just to be weird..." but who knows. Maybe he was one strange cat... I mean, he was going by the 3 names and all. Alexander Bell wasn't good enough. Maybe by that rationale, neither was just one numbered phone numbers.
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I know I've told a few people this before, so you may have already heard this one. Does anyone remember Speak-And-Spell? It was this little electronic toy thing that would basically teach you reading skills in a fun little quizlike manner. There was only one problem. My Speak-And-Spell was mean to me:
"Spell 'RANGER'"
"R-A-N-G-R-E"
"Wrong. Try Again. 'Ranger'"
"R-A-N-J-E-Y-R-E"
"THAT IS INCORRECT. THE CORRECT SPELLING OF 'RANGER' IS R-A-N-G-E-R!!!"
I remmber looking at it saying "Woah, motherfucker. Take it easy" I mean, it's Speak-And-Spell, Not Yell-At-Me-And-Spell. I don't think that would have had the same impact. Hit-Me-And-See-If-You-Can-Spell. Although that would have been pretty cool in a way, I just don't know how I could learn under those circumstances. I believe there were a few more in the series, like "Speak-And-Read" and "Speak-And-Math", but the "Speak-and-Spell was the o.g. of verbally coercive teaching machines. It must not have caught on, because schools still exist. But I'm still a little hurt by the Speak and Spell, and I don't think there's gonna be any changing that. I'm sorry I could never please you, Speak and Spell, wherever you are now... If it makes you feel better, I know how to spell "ranger" today because of you.
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You know what I don't care for too much? Button fly jeans. Who came up with this shit? When I have to pee in a public bathroom, I want to just go with a little pull-the-fly-down action. When you're trying to undo buttons without actually undoing your belt and the first snap, you kind of look like you're playing with yourself. And that looks kind of funny when you're standing at a urinal.
I have one pair. I don't know where I got them but I have a pair of them. They are the devil. In fact, in hell everybody's probably running around in buttonfly jeans, and there is a gigantic Speak and Spell yelling at them all.
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