Have you ever been watching a commercial on television, and shortly after the spot is over, thought about what would happen next? I know it's not like a feature film or anything, but sometimes I get attached to these characters rather quickly, and quite frankly I'd like a little closure. For the sake of making myself laugh though, my imaginary conclusions to these situations don't usually end in any particular way. In fact, the more bizzarre, the better. Take for instance that commercial where the guy is walking around on the cell phone saying "Can you hear me now? Good!" over and over again. Wouldn't it be better if he just kept walking around and eventually goes "Wait... What? What the fuck did you just say?! No! Fuck You!" and then just starts crying incontrollably... Or maybe gets hit by a car, or mugged, or even better, just explodes into flames. Now, if that happened, I'm telling you now - I would switch to whatever phone service that is immediately. What about the one where the guy is talking about baked beans, and his golden retriever is always trying to give out the secret recipe... I wish he'd be sitting there just going on and on, and when the dog starts talking, the guy would just start freaking out, screaming in fear and clawing at the set trying to escape. Or one where the guy just gets his satellite dish installed, and he's asking the technician about all the channels he gets. Suddenly the Direct TV guy walks out the door and, without any warning, gets picked up by a giant condor and flown to the north pole. There, the giant birds recruit him to be their leader, and he later returns to America to destroy any cable company that trys to compete with him. His name is Kon-Dor, Lord of the Satellite, and Hark! All will know his name!
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I've been having some run-ins here lately with the angel of death, and my word, I'm getting a little sick of it. One thing that funerals or memorial services can do though is make you realize your mortality. Unless you're a highlander or something. Either way, as I was recently at a memorial service that was excruciating, I felt like I should make some things clear before I myself one day head off into the great beyond. First of all, I'd like my obituary to mention something about how I was one of the original members of Metallica, and that I also had cured several types of cancer but never wrote the information down on how to do it. That way, people would be forced to figure out a way to reanimate me for my knowledge, in addition to getting a rare Metallica autograph. After I lead these scientists through many long and methodic experiments, I'd finally break the news to them that I didn't really know how to cure anything. What would they do? Kill me? Shit, if they had figured out how to bring people back to life, they'd probably had already gotten past the cancer curing thing. Note to self... come up with some other type of knowledge to take with you to the grave... Maybe if I could convince them about the Metallica thing, they'd spare me.
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Wouldn't it be great to build a teleporting machine? The answer is yes. It would be great. Unless you accidentally teleported yourself to the moment you were teleporting yourself, and then got stuck in this teleporting flux, over and over again. It would be fun if someone turned off the machine after they realized where you were. But if they never turned it off, you'd be in a world of shit.
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I think it's funny that although we've invented technology where you can actually pick up a telephone and call another person on a telephone, virtually anywhere... sometimes we opt for the simplicity of the text message. So we shun this incredible concept of actually speaking with people and embrace an older idea - essentially writing, but by either pressing number keys several times or with tiny little keyboards. This leads me to believe we'll eventually revert back to carrier pigeons, which would be a lot more fun. Either that or just screaming. Or better yet, screaming carrier pigeons.
"HEY!!! BILLY!!! LOOK UP HERE! HEY! JENNY SAID TO CALL HER LATER!!! HELLO?! JENNY SAID TO... YEAH.. ME. IT'S THE PIGEON! YEAH. SO CALL JENNY, OK?! "
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