Things I Hope to Say Today

Hopefully, sometime today I’ll be able to use the following phrases:
"You know, this is kind of like how PeeWee accused everyone of stealing his bike. Everyone was a suspect, but when he pulled up the picture of the black dude from the magic shop, people probably thought he was a huge racist."
"Did you miss me? I did!"
"I just peed in your office. Sorry."
"Mommy? MOMMY!!!" (What I would say as I randomly page every person on my office phone.)
"Wow, I just crapped a dog. Just... wow."
"You’re about to get jelly rolled." (I’d say this when I dialed a wrong number, just before hanging up.)
"How now, brown cow? Come with me if you want to live."
"Is anyone going to drink this coffee? I just made it. Seriously, like-with-my-body-just made it.."
"What do you mean I can’t use crayons on my fax cover sheets? I just changed it to read ’fax cover shits’, that’s all. And I wanted to do it in violet to make it pretty."
"Yo check it. I wore a tie to work today. And nothing else. Am I fired?"
"That glue in the fridge is totally mine. Touch it and I’ll cut your motherfucking hands off."
"Janet, I wasn’t talking about you when I said ’Janet is gross.’ I was talking about all of us. All of us, except me. And kind of... except everyone else too. So not everyone not named Janet."
"Blazza-blazza-blar-blar!"
"I’m leaving work early because I need a haircut. Not a normal haircut.. An eyebrow hair cut. It’s complicated, and these things take time."
(Calling wrong numbers, someone answers, I say): "Hello? Are you there? Are you still there? If so, why?"
"Quick! Everyone! To my office for the lunch hour Tori Amos listening party!"
(If I was a hostess at Chili’s, I’d say): "Table for two? Smoking, non-smoking, or the near riot-like atmosphere dog fighting arena we keep in the Chili’s top secret area... in my pants?"
"Where is the forklift? Janet will probably need it to lift her fork today during lunch, heh heh.."