Come on, pick it up. Waiting and my popcorn adventures

You could do better. I'm just saying... You could do a lot better than that. I think you set the bar kind of low on this deal, if you get my drift. You need to pick it up a little here. Come on. Seriously. Just... come on.
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How many of you out there saw the film "Waiting" starring Ryan Reynolds, Dane Cook, and the girl that looks like Ashlee Simpson. Oh, and the guy from the Apple commercials. And possibly Chris Klein and Mandy Moore, I can't quite remember. Did you see that? Well, if you did, how many people told you "Man, you really needed to work in the service industry to get it" after they saw it, before you did? Well, after I saw it, there was nothing in this film that you would have needed to work in a restaurant to get. I saw "Knocked Up" and "Juno", and I didn't tell people they needed to impregnate someone to get it. Because that wasn't true. So stop telling people that. In fact, if there was any part of Waiting you didn't get, you're probably retarded.
You know, when I saw "Glory" starring Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington, I wasn't running up to people saying, "You know, you really have to be a black Civil War-era Union infantry endentured soldier to get it." The sheer number of people that told me you had to work in a restaurant to get "Waiting" was alarming to me. Was there something after the credits that said to go out and tell people this? Did I miss it?
Hey, you want to know what you should do? Go rent "My Life" starring Michael Keaton. You will cry like a bitch, but... well. Nevermind. You have to be dead to get it. Wait till after your dead to see that film. That way, you know... you'll get it. Just letting you know.
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Speaking of movies, I was at the theater the other day and I noticed something. I never eat all the popcorn I buy, and in fact I have never eaten all the popcorn I've bought ever. So I don't know if I'm a popcorn glutton here, but man. I get popcorn all over myself when I'm in a movie theater. I'm like taking these huge handfulls of popcorn and shoving it into my mouth. I look like a gerbil. I'm trying to form my mouth around the small globule of popcorn, and with every handful probably 40% ends up on the floor and my lap. Popcorn to me is a volumized type of consumable. It's like sushi. Every piece of a roll is usually larger than a regular bite of anything else for me. It's just akin to taking big bites of stuff. It's like taking whole dinner rolls and shoving them into your mouths at a family function. Imagine everyone doing that. It would look like a contest or something.
After the film is over, imagine the guy walking around picking up all the bags of popcorn. Most bags are probably about 1/2 full, shared between couples and families of small children. When he gets to wherever I was sitting, he's probably like "What a fucking pig. What was this guy? A hamster?" It's not funny, movie man. I have always had an affinity for large wheels I could run on in place, but can't find one big enough to fit me. Maybe I am part hamster. What are you going to do about it?

Hey, come see me. Be my friend.

I don't know if anyone really ever reads the crap I put on this thing, but if you do and you want to literally do anything you want me to (like dance, sing, fall down), you can come see me and my super new sell-out feature SUPERVILLAIN perform at the North Gate Tavern on Saturday, April 26.
That was a VERY long sentence up there.
Anyways, no cover so come out and drink up your little hearts content.
Hope to see all you dudes and dudettes.

You Can't Leave. You're breaking the LAW!!

One time, we went to this bar called Glen’s Bombay Club. It was in the Esplanade Shopping Ctr, where Hooters, Clicks, Melting Pot, and Sullivan’s is. Well, it was this total fucked up little joint where all the ragged bitches in thier 30’s-40’s would roll up, and the dudes were all either old or they shaved their arms and had tribal armband tattoos. I don’t know why we went there. I think it was because the line to get into Southdowns was too long. See, every now and then to keep yourself in check, you just have to suck it up and have a "Go Look At People With An IQ of 30 In Bars" night.
Well, we went in and drank a bunch and then got really scared by the fuckjobs hanging around in the joint, so it was time to roll out. I had to pee really bad, and I didn’t feel like going back in so I went by the side of the truck. All of a sudden, this snaggletoothed yokle walks around the vehicle. I kind of turned towards the truck so he couldn’t see me pissing all over the tires of someone’s tricked out Hyundai. He walked past, then walked back and said:
"Whudder you dooooowen?"
I looked around and kind of turned around and said "Nothing. You know. Just waiting for my friends, so we can get in the car and uh you know err (trailing off)." He says "Well, I saw whud you werr doin, you werr pissin’ all over the ground. Well guess whud? I’m a cop. And you’re in some big trouble." I was like "Oh come on, you’re not a cop." "Oh yessir I AM! And yer breaking the LAW!"
He stepped back and kind of motioned over to a group of people. I’d finished peeing long after his initial threat. "Hey!" he was screaming. "This guy over herrrre is BREAKING THE LAW!" I was like "Dude, come on. Knock it off. I wasn’t breaking the law." He said "No, you was breaking it. I seen you." As he’s doing this, I’m trying to open my truck door, but I couldn’t get it open. My pushbutton remote unlock had opened the other doors so everyone had began to pile in, but my door wouldn’t open. He saw me struggling with it and said "Oh, you caint leave! You’re breaking the law."
My door finally unlocked, and I was getting into the truck and he was still frustratingly yelling "YOU CAINNNNT LEAVE!" I then realized he was wearing blue jean cuttoffs and had earrings. The car he was next to had a 6" exhaust tip. I jumped in the truck and started it up. He runs up to the window, and makes one final attempt to tell me that I couldn’t leave and that I was apparantly in fact breaking the law. I mouthed to him "I’m leaving" and drove away hastilly.
So one of two things are certain. He actually wan’t a cop, or the Gonzales Police Dept uniform consists of cutoffs, a buzzcut, tennis shoes, bad teeth, and earings in both ears.