You could do better. I'm just saying... You could do a lot better than that. I think you set the bar kind of low on this deal, if you get my drift. You need to pick it up a little here. Come on. Seriously. Just... come on.
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How many of you out there saw the film "Waiting" starring Ryan Reynolds, Dane Cook, and the girl that looks like Ashlee Simpson. Oh, and the guy from the Apple commercials. And possibly Chris Klein and Mandy Moore, I can't quite remember. Did you see that? Well, if you did, how many people told you "Man, you really needed to work in the service industry to get it" after they saw it, before you did? Well, after I saw it, there was nothing in this film that you would have needed to work in a restaurant to get. I saw "Knocked Up" and "Juno", and I didn't tell people they needed to impregnate someone to get it. Because that wasn't true. So stop telling people that. In fact, if there was any part of Waiting you didn't get, you're probably retarded.
You know, when I saw "Glory" starring Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington, I wasn't running up to people saying, "You know, you really have to be a black Civil War-era Union infantry endentured soldier to get it." The sheer number of people that told me you had to work in a restaurant to get "Waiting" was alarming to me. Was there something after the credits that said to go out and tell people this? Did I miss it?
Hey, you want to know what you should do? Go rent "My Life" starring Michael Keaton. You will cry like a bitch, but... well. Nevermind. You have to be dead to get it. Wait till after your dead to see that film. That way, you know... you'll get it. Just letting you know.
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Speaking of movies, I was at the theater the other day and I noticed something. I never eat all the popcorn I buy, and in fact I have never eaten all the popcorn I've bought ever. So I don't know if I'm a popcorn glutton here, but man. I get popcorn all over myself when I'm in a movie theater. I'm like taking these huge handfulls of popcorn and shoving it into my mouth. I look like a gerbil. I'm trying to form my mouth around the small globule of popcorn, and with every handful probably 40% ends up on the floor and my lap. Popcorn to me is a volumized type of consumable. It's like sushi. Every piece of a roll is usually larger than a regular bite of anything else for me. It's just akin to taking big bites of stuff. It's like taking whole dinner rolls and shoving them into your mouths at a family function. Imagine everyone doing that. It would look like a contest or something.
After the film is over, imagine the guy walking around picking up all the bags of popcorn. Most bags are probably about 1/2 full, shared between couples and families of small children. When he gets to wherever I was sitting, he's probably like "What a fucking pig. What was this guy? A hamster?" It's not funny, movie man. I have always had an affinity for large wheels I could run on in place, but can't find one big enough to fit me. Maybe I am part hamster. What are you going to do about it?
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