Catholicynicism

   "I'm a recovering Catholic." You hear people say this from time to time and it's an intriguing statement. Not because they're trying to distance themselves from faith. Or run from it, or whatever. But because they're usually converting to some other spiritual base that they feel is more suitable for where they need to be right then. Maybe they married a Baptist while their own faith was lacking. Or maybe they've discovered some other religion they can relate to a little better. Or maybe they discovered one of these humongous money covered  mega-churches that just appears more faith fashionable? Who knows. Either way, I know what it feels like to be a recovering Catholic. I recovered from the church. Now I seek to un-recover from it? Confusing? I guess how I could understand how it could be. Allow me to explain.
   Baptized a Catholic, First reconciliation, First communion, confirmed - I was raised in the church. From going to private Catholic schools my entire life, it seems like the church was ingrained in me. And it was fine and dandy. I prayed before and after receiving all these sacraments and went along with everything the church was teaching me. I've read a lot of scripture in my day, and know many a bible story good enough to remember how a lot of readings are going to end up. And while I'm can't say I never missed mass once from baptism to confirmation, I made a good many of them. Plus thanks to catholic school, I hit many a holy day of obligation along the way for good measure. So I'm well on my way to being an awesome catholic. Right?
   Wrong. Somewhere between confirmation and receiving the incredibly magical sacrament of holy matrimony, I erred. My wonderful wife and I went through all the pre-cana initiation kind of halfway paying attention but for the most part, managed to keep our faith intact. I can at the very least say that I pray every day and I always have. So belief and a closeness to God have never been a void in my life. I made confession for the first time since confirmation somewhere in the lead up to my marriage in 2006, but by and large, I fell out into and out of weekly mass attendance rather quickly around the time of receiving the sacrament. And that is a very sad thing. But I guess it's just my path.
   All through this time, I have been wayward in my faith. I prayed to the Trinity daily, making the sign of the cross and saying three prayers regularly. The same ones I spoke every morning at St. Thomas More. Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be. Then a little conversational piece here and there with the Big Guy. But I still find myself asking "What more is out there"? The last couple times I've been to mass (and they were very sparsely scattered), I'm just sitting there saying "WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?!" But luckily I feel like the drought may be over. I have felt a compelling pull back to faith. Some way. Some how.
   I haven't always agreed with the Catholic Church. In fact, there's still a couple of things I still don't really support that they're into. But I think their true business is the healing of souls. And I think I've made the first big step there to being comfortable with redemption. I went to confession today at St Joseph Cathedral downtown. It was a pretty awesome experience. I prayed the Act of Contrition. And it was a great feeling. It really was.
   So bottom line I guess, is that it's ok to be Catholicynic. Just know that there's a lot more at stake in there. You go to church to heal. And it feels good to be back.