Double swipes, garbage trucks, police cars, and hardhats.

Do you ever notice that in convenience stores, the little credit card machine at the counter says "Please swipe card"? It should also say "Then stare at clerk helplessly, and wait for them to say 'Swipe it again. It didn't go through.'"
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The other morning I was laying in bed. It was like 5am, and the garbage man was out picking up the trash with those new crazy one-man operation robot trucks and it was just making these horrendous sounds. I realized that since I KNEW it was the garbage man, there was no reason to be alarmed. But what if you didn't know if was the garbage man? It would probably be pretty terrifying. Old people everywhere are probably saying "Jesus, Maude. The robots are finally here to kill us..." on a regular basis.
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When you're on the interstate, why do scores of cars slam on their breaks when they see a cop on the side of the road, writing someone a ticket? Seems like this is the perfect time to speed (or really break any vehicular law) since the guy is already busy with someone. I mean, really... do you think the cop is going to be like "License and registration, ma'am. Do you know how fast you were.... WOAH! NEVERMIND!"
::police man runs back to police car::

"I'm going after that guy! Besides, he looked kind of mexican..."
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As a former construction worker/current estimator/manager/myspace blog writer, I'd often run into situations where the safety guy on whatever job you're on forces you to wear a hardhat. I'm no fan, as they look kind of like you're one of those waterhead people. Plus they're unnatural, bulky, and stupid looking. I've seen some fashioned like cowboy hats, which are pretty cool. The first time I saw one, I thought about getting into the customized hardhat business. I'd probably make some look like derbys, or peter pan hats, or pirate regalia, or women's sunhats... though none of those would probably go over well. But if you're driving by a construction site in a few years and everyone on the job are wearing beret or viking helmet hardhats, please give me a call. Clearly I'm owed some compensation on some level.
Anyway, something that irks me is when I'm at LSU or near somewhere doing site (earth) work, or see someone doing maintenance and they're wearing a hardhat. I'm not talking about a construction site, where people could be dropping rivets or bolts on your head from the floor above you. I'm talking about a situation where there is clearly no reason for you to be wearing a hardhat. Perhaps you are afraid the building that you're next to, that you're repainting the doorhandle of, is going to spontaneously collapse? If that's the case, brother, we're all in trouble. Do you think that a meteorite is going to crash into your head? Are people beaning you in the skull with rocks a real problem for you?
Many many many years ago, I was working on a job at Southern University. A brand-new four story building, where yes, hardhats can probably provide some purpose. However, we'd left the job for lunch and this guy Dumas had apparantly forgot to take his off. While we were in line waiting to get our extra value meals, Sean (one of our coworkers) looked at him and said "Dumas, do you doubt the structural stability of this Burger King"? I looked at him and said "Yeah, I think we're safe here. You can probably take a few minutes off from safety land." Dumas took the hardhat off, we all had a chuckle, and enjoyed a moment of having our heads clearly available to whatever troubles may befall us.
But note to self while looking back on it: Create Safety Land. It will be a hit.

Sha-Theed

So this gray striped kitty showed up at my house the other day. I like to think Hurricane Gustav picked him up from someones back yard and lightly placed him at my doorstep, but who knows. Either way, I wanted to name him "Shithead" after Navin Johnson's dog in The Jerk. But Aimee wanted to name him "Gus" after the hurricane that more or less dropped him off to us. I'm just going to rally behind "Shithead" and see what happens. Aimee brought up a good point though.
"So, you're going to bring him to the vet and tell them his name is 'Shithead'?
"No, I will tell them it's pronounced 'shah-thead', like an african name for 'royal proud feline'"...
So anyways, next time you're at my house, give Shithead a little pat on the head for me.

Postcard from HELL!

Last week was hell. Spent Mon-Wed without power and finally escaped this weekend to Beau Rivage. There, spent too much money and got back to town to find that hell was still residing right here in Baton Rouge. Spent last night in parents house in St. Amant. Have been living out of a suitcase for days.
Got home this morning to find lights finally back on at house. Then found power back at work.
Life slowly returning to normal.
I'll write you with updates.

Love,
e-sam

Mixed WHAT?!

In my opinion, Mixed Nuts should be renamed "Cashews, Almonds, Pecans... and a lot of other nuts you probably don't like". I noticed most of them actually advertise that their blend is less than 50% peanuts, which is kind of an anamoly to me since I think most people are totally down with the peanuts. It's those annoying big ass funky nuts and the little round ones that throw me. That's some bullshit right there. What the hell are these things and where do you find them? And if less than 50% of these are peanuts, I assume they still are trying to tell you that, yes, there's more peanuts than anything else in there, but fuck it because they're still mixed up with some other things you might be ok with. I mean, why aren't they called "Peanuts... and stuff"? I'm going to be honest with you, I think they throw in the cashews to confuse you. Just to kind of create a diversion so that every now and again, you'll grab something else in there. And in my family household, whenever someone opens a can of them, you can bet they're making a bee line for the cashews. It never fails that by the time I get to them, they've been raided, leaving behind all the nuts you ONLY SEE LEFT BEHIND in a can of mixed nuts. Look Mr. Planter man, dancing around with your monicle and top hat and cane... don't pawn your crap nuts off on me. I know what's really going on, you son of a bitch you.

Law and Order

How come anyone who is questioned by detectives on Law and Order seems to have no problem continuing on with their activities while being interviewed by the fucking police?! I'm sorry, but it seems to me that would be a little nervewracking, but apparantly the man working in the office who is being questioned about a double rape or murder or whatever; he can't seem to tear himself away from the copy machine to talk to a couple of cops. I'll remember that if I ever get in trouble for something.

End Analog Transmission

Have you been seeing the commercials with the old lady sitting there, telling you how by law, all TV broadcasts will be exclusively in digital by February 17, 2009? If your TV is hooked up to cable, then "it will work just fine. But if you get TV through an antenna on an analog set, it won't work after February 2009." There's something seriously fucked up to me about all of that.
So my entire life, TV has been broadcast through the airwaves. Even though I've probably had cable since I was 5, maybe it was still comforting to me that there was radiowaves flying around my head shooting along a TV signal. When I was a kid, the only rooms in my house with cable were my mom and dad's and the den. I had a little black and white tv with these rad antennas on top that I would have to vigorously shake into position to catch the Arsenio Hall show or Married... With Children.
Perhaps those radio waves are the only thing keeping us from leaping into a homacidal state. Perhaps they're the only thing keeping us out of the sanitarium. Either way, technology advances and leaves everything else behind. I don't think I have any analog options in my current house, come to think of it. But I'm going to do my best to find one. And On 2/17/09 (which is a tuesday, by the way) I'm going to be sitting in front of a tv waiting for it to fall silent and see the picture snap into white noise for the last time.

My Weekend Days

I need to create something. I'm beginning to get starved for a creative output experience. How about that? Does that make sense? I don't know if that means I wanna create art or if that means I want to create destruction. I want to be impulsive. Reckless. And lose myself in your kiss. Which reminds me...
The other day, Aimee was in the back bedroom doing something and I was sitting at the computer in the living room, and we were getting ready to leave. We were going to Subway, where I would soon eat very slowly because I was nursing a hangover. But before that, I was in the living room, waiting to leave. I went to Youtube and played the following music videos, in high volume and in the following order:
Wilson Phillips' "Impulsive"
Mariah Carey's "Vision Of Love"
Celine Dion's "I'm Your Lady"

Aimee walked into the room, and I told her I wanted to have a swimming party where we had a very large stereo system only playing this type of music all day. She said she thought people would leave, but I told her I thought they would stay even longer. I get a little nostalgic for pop adult contemporary from 1990 - 1992. Had we had more time before my nauseating sit through Subway, where Aimee later said I was talking too loud (My ears were still ringing from the night before), I would have also played the following:

Cece Peniston's "Finally"
Jane Child's "Don't Wanna Fall In Love"
Roxette's "The Look"
Alanna Myles' "Black Velvet"

I couldn't finish all the soup I'd bought, so I threw everything away and brought the captain's wafers crackers with me and ate them in the car when we walked out.
I can't remember where we went after that, because I'm retarded. But Sunday, we went to the mall for the sole purpose of buying icees. Then we walked around the outside of the mall. I got the biggest Coke flavored icee they had. Both icees cost $6, to which Aimee said was pretty expensive for icees. Then we went to Target. Several times, I stood on the back of the buggy and made Aimee pull me. This ocurred near women's clothing, alongside the makeup isles, and eventually into frozen foods. A few people stared, but honestly not very long. Aimee shops very slowly, so I left her and the buggy and retrieved the following items:
wheat bread
hydrogen peroxide
contact lens solution
one onion
one bellpepper
a vegetable tray
deli-sliced turkey
pre-sliced apple slices

What a great Sunday.