I had a dream...

Last night I had a dream. I don't remember much of it, but part of it stands out. I was looking at a tarantula on the wall, and his face was burnt... like, physically marred. He was in pain and I felt sorry for him. So I picked him up and set him on one of the ceiling fan blades in my room. There he turned into a hawk. A medium sized one, and he began cleaning his wings with his beak. After he had completely groomed himself, he turned into a humongous bald eagle. Like, he was massive and was bending the fan blades down. Then I woke up.

If I only had a dollar every time i heard...

You know how people say "man, if i only had a dollar everytime i heard that..." right after something often repeated is mentioned? Here are some things would likely result in few dollars: "Hey, is this delicious coffee or deadly hot lava?" "Oh Shit! That was my sister on the phone. Apparantly my grandma was just shot to death in a Taco Bell." "Ok. Really... Am I the only one that's been shitting blood or is it a national phenomena?" "Hey! Watch how fast I can eat this entire bag of Ole' Roy dog food!" "Herpes? AGAIN?!" "...and if it's a girl, we're going to name her Dickballs." "Does anyone have a problem if I eat these refrigerator magnets?" "Get Willie Nelson, Lou Rawls, and Tom Selleck on the phone NOW! Fucking do it. See if I care!" "Oh dear. Our vacation home burned to the ground and I was in it!" "Has anyone seen my $5,000,000 worth of animal crackers? It would seem I've misplaced them..." "I was widdled nearly to death." "Yeah, I ran a marathon once. It wasn't like one of those super long ones but motherfucker it was long enough. When I finished, my legs looked like pantyhose stuffed with cans of peas and corn flecked with concrete chips and an egg..." "WOAH NOW! WOOOOOOAH... Ok, The horseplay with the calf is getting out of hand!" "Hey Bitch! The bellboy stole our deli-sliced ham! This shit is NOT cool, so you better get off the fucking couch, lest I lay the smack down." "Wrestle that pit bull." "GRIBBLESHITS! GRIBBLESHITS! YAAAAAAAAAAY HORNGNEDBAUM!" "Who forgot to lay the tarp down? Now Uncle Peachtree's white linens are ruined and there's a green stain on the wall. Let's break out the Vegetable Oil and get to work... This could literally take all night..." "We broke the legs off the couch and ate them." "Get out of the tree, please. We don't even know you." "Ok, let's just calm down here. You can be the pirate but this is the last time. Everyone knows thats not how real life works..." "I don't have a cell phone. I do however have cellophane, invented by Jacques E. Brandenberger in 1908, a Swiss textile engineer who first thought of the idea for a clear, protective, packaging layer in 1900." "My new puppy's paws are made of latex, and everywhere he goes he leaves a pretty pink paw print." "Ok, boys. The name of the game is Numbers. First one to count to 406 wins. Ready? BEGIN! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13..." "Let's insulate the house with white chocolate!" "The phone is ringing, will you please answer it? Yes, the phone. Yes. Ok, also - could you put that Jack Russell terrier in the oven? Thank you, you're an angel." "As a child, our mother told us to never wish on stars. She said it could result in the Wizard of Death coming into our rooms and quizzing us. She also said that if we got a question wrong, we would probably be drafted as a supplemental pick to the Montreal Expos baseball team." and finally "That's not a bow, it's a knot. And it's Knot Funny... HE HI HO HO HE HE HEEEEEEYAH!"

World's Wildest Police Videos.

Ok.

Have you ever seen that Fox show World's Wildest Police Videos? It's the one hosted by this guy:


His name is Sheriff John Bunell and he is a bad ass. He will seriously fuck you up. He will come to your house and arrest you, while saying things like "I guess it doesn't pay to run from the long arm of the law" or "This perp is getting a joyride... STRAIGHT TO JAIL" or something like that. And the thing is that I honestly believe him. It's like the total opposite of when William Shattner hosted Rescue 911. I didn't believe Shattner could have anything to do with emergency response, but I DO believe Sheriff John Bunnell could engage in some serious police brutality on somebody's ass.

This show is like a car accident. While flipping through channels, everyone has to stop on it for a second. It could be consdensed into about 5 minutes. They literally show every part of every clip about 15 times. Over and over again. All the while, Sheriff Bunnell is saying some idiotic shit. I'd love to see bios of the people who write his retarded dialogue. They are probably people who have been arrested on this show and their sentence is that they have to write incredibly stupid shit for this show.

Also, I love the dubbed in crashes and police sirens. Especially when the camera filming is in a helicopter thousands of feet above. I'm sure it would be a boring show if there was no sound, but do you believe that they could honestly record the soundtrack of what is actually happening. Like there's a superpowerful microphone on the helicopter or something?

I'm waiting for John Bunnell to jump out of the police car and arm tackle someone who's running away. Or ram someone with his "unit" (what he calls EVERY police car) and physically take them into custody. Or even better yet, arrive to the scene of an accident riding a lion and commanding a herd of wild beasts... calling on thousands of hawks and eagles to attack everyone standing around. Beastmaster John Bunnell screaming for the slaughter of hundreds of people.

Now that would be a good show.

Anyways, I'm headed to Orlando this weekend for yet another wedding. Please pray for me that I don't die in a horrible ball of flames and death. I hope John Bunnell is on my plane.