If I only had a dollar every time i heard...

You know how people say "man, if i only had a dollar everytime i heard that..." right after something often repeated is mentioned? Here are some things would likely result in few dollars: "Hey, is this delicious coffee or deadly hot lava?" "Oh Shit! That was my sister on the phone. Apparantly my grandma was just shot to death in a Taco Bell." "Ok. Really... Am I the only one that's been shitting blood or is it a national phenomena?" "Hey! Watch how fast I can eat this entire bag of Ole' Roy dog food!" "Herpes? AGAIN?!" "...and if it's a girl, we're going to name her Dickballs." "Does anyone have a problem if I eat these refrigerator magnets?" "Get Willie Nelson, Lou Rawls, and Tom Selleck on the phone NOW! Fucking do it. See if I care!" "Oh dear. Our vacation home burned to the ground and I was in it!" "Has anyone seen my $5,000,000 worth of animal crackers? It would seem I've misplaced them..." "I was widdled nearly to death." "Yeah, I ran a marathon once. It wasn't like one of those super long ones but motherfucker it was long enough. When I finished, my legs looked like pantyhose stuffed with cans of peas and corn flecked with concrete chips and an egg..." "WOAH NOW! WOOOOOOAH... Ok, The horseplay with the calf is getting out of hand!" "Hey Bitch! The bellboy stole our deli-sliced ham! This shit is NOT cool, so you better get off the fucking couch, lest I lay the smack down." "Wrestle that pit bull." "GRIBBLESHITS! GRIBBLESHITS! YAAAAAAAAAAY HORNGNEDBAUM!" "Who forgot to lay the tarp down? Now Uncle Peachtree's white linens are ruined and there's a green stain on the wall. Let's break out the Vegetable Oil and get to work... This could literally take all night..." "We broke the legs off the couch and ate them." "Get out of the tree, please. We don't even know you." "Ok, let's just calm down here. You can be the pirate but this is the last time. Everyone knows thats not how real life works..." "I don't have a cell phone. I do however have cellophane, invented by Jacques E. Brandenberger in 1908, a Swiss textile engineer who first thought of the idea for a clear, protective, packaging layer in 1900." "My new puppy's paws are made of latex, and everywhere he goes he leaves a pretty pink paw print." "Ok, boys. The name of the game is Numbers. First one to count to 406 wins. Ready? BEGIN! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13..." "Let's insulate the house with white chocolate!" "The phone is ringing, will you please answer it? Yes, the phone. Yes. Ok, also - could you put that Jack Russell terrier in the oven? Thank you, you're an angel." "As a child, our mother told us to never wish on stars. She said it could result in the Wizard of Death coming into our rooms and quizzing us. She also said that if we got a question wrong, we would probably be drafted as a supplemental pick to the Montreal Expos baseball team." and finally "That's not a bow, it's a knot. And it's Knot Funny... HE HI HO HO HE HE HEEEEEEYAH!"