Conversations I will have today...

"Hello. My name is Sam Terito. You have a great restaurant here. It's very nice... I like.. no, I love the atmosphere. Looking at the menu, I see you have a very good selection, and it's very reasonably priced. The table cloths look very clean, (::smiling::) Almost starched, they're so white. I like the lighting. Very mellow. Listen, I'm going to order a rediculous amount of food, but I don't want to pay for any of it. Would that be ok? I mean.. would that work for you?"

"Um, no sir. I don't think we can do that..."

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"Hello Dr. Johnson. It's Sam. Sam Terito. Look, I'm so sorry to call you this late. I just have a quick question. I was going to eat this entire jar of mustard but I wanted to check with you to see if it was safe. Can I do that? I mean, would that kill me?"

"Well, Sam... It's.. What time is it? Jesus, it's 3 oclock in the morning... Ok, now what? A jar of mustard? I don't think that would be wise. It could probably make you sick..."

"Well... it's actually the squeezy bottle kind. Does that make a difference? I mean, is that ok?"

"Oh, the squeezy kind. Yes that's fine. Go ahead. (Click)"

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"I like this car. I mean, this-is-a-fine car. How much is it? Like, how much would I have to give you to walk off with this car right now?"

"Hmm.. Let's see.. TT and L, everything.. Around $35, 250..."

"What? Shit. I thought that was yen. I like thought that was 35,000 yen, you know... Fuck. Could I just give you yen?"

"No. No you can't, you fucking idiot..."

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"Dr. Johnson. It's Sam again. Look, I know we went over the mustard thing already. I guess I learned my lesson. I literally vomited for what seemed like forever. I have another question. Don't answer too quickly now. Think this over...."

"Sam..."

"Ok.. ok. Here it is. If my arm is physically detached, is there anyway it will grow back? I saw this show about lizards on tv, and their tails will grow back. Like, would that happen with humans too"

"No, Sam. Now please..."

"Uh oh. I think we might have a problem then..."