1. Don't you hate it when you're speeding on the interstate, and you spot a police car ahead of you or behind you. You slam on the brakes hoping this policeman didn't totally just see you breaking all kinds of laws. You think you're in the clear until you finally come into view with the driver and notice it's an old fucking man in a white Ford Crown Vic. What the hell are you in that kind of car for? You should be in a maroon caddy or like a gray Buick. But no, you wanted to get the vehicle that looks exactly like a police cruiser. Every city, every parish, every STATE uses the crown victoria or the Chevy Caprice. We need to start a movement to get old folks out of these cars before they give me a heart attack. Seriously.
2. I went to Subway today. There making my sandwich was a so called "sandwich artist". I guess she was just a bad artist. Who could possibly want THAT MUCH lettuce? When I say I want pickles, how about 2 or 3. I don't need 44 pickles on a 6 inch sandwich. They consistantly put a ridiculous amount of the additions you'd like to see made to your food. You say you want some tomatoes. They put 400 tomatoes on there. You want "lite mayonaise"? How about 1/3 of this bottle of mayonaise. Then they wedge it closed with a knife and wrap it up in 6 square feet of paper. Hey, I know everybody! Let's celebrate wastefulness! Then they take the football sized ball of paper they've turned your sandwich into, and put it into another bag. Maybe next you can put it into a box, then into a ball of rubber, and then wrap it in tin foil. Then put into a car and drive it to my house.
3. All over Baton Rouge, they're installing cameras to catch people speeding. Did you know this? On every other traffic signal, there's a little camera on the wire between the traffic lights. Then there's another one like on a lightpole around there to get a snapshot of the other side of your car. They're supposedly going to mail you a ticket everytime you run it by photgraphing your license plate. Enclosed with the ticket will be a picture of you running the light. I was reading on a message board the other day that someone in another state who'd already seen this implemented got themselves a ticket and photo in the mail. He decided to write them a check for the fine, but then take a picture of it and mail them the photo only. The cops must have had a sense of humor, because a few days later he recieved another letter. This time inside was a picture of handcuffs. Ohhhhh burn. That's some kinda funny shit right there.
Peace!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Various Thoughts
1. The Pilot Precise V7 Fine Point is the finest pen in the world. I've used a lot of pens, and in all honesty I have NEVER had a problem with the Precise series. I mean that. Pilot should sponsor me.
2. Isn't it great when you're at a family function and the dog has a hard on? I can't think of a funnier way to incite an awkward moment than when a dog walks into a room full of aunts and uncles and has an erection. Maybe if it's humping someone. That makes for an uncomfortable situation and I love it. It's along the lines of going to a zoo on a first date and seeing some sort of primate playing with himself or watching some animal take a shit. Well, isn't that fantastic? People act like they don't see it but believe me - everybody knows what's going on.
3. How come at night, every fast food shake machine on earth breaks? What's up with that? Shakes are the kind of thing you eat at night. Nobody has a large milkshake at lunch. They eat them as late night snacks. But it never fails for me to hear that MOTHERFUCKER on the intercom tell me "Our shake machine is out of order...". I hate that person now. See what you did? You have driven me to hate you. I almost know they're gonna say that every time. Sometimes I don't even want one but I'll order it anyway just for them to tell me I can't have it. I want to say "Can I have 900 large strawberry shakes please" just for them to grasp how terribly bad I want a shake. The shake machine is out of order. Fine. But you wanna know what else is out of order? Your fucking face. Fuck you, you fucking bitch. Fuck! I wanted a shake! I literally have no other recourse. You were my last chance at a shake tonight and you have failed me. I don't have shakes at home. I don't have a shake machine. If I did, it would work. I can't go to a 24 hour Circle K and get a shake. A Frozen Coke is the closest I'll get. But I don't want that. I wanted a shake, you mothefucker you.
4. This morning while taking a shower, i noticed the bar of soap I had left had pretty much neared the end of it's short life. I had a full bar sitting next to it, but I wanted to use all of this soap before I made the switch. I didn't want to be wasteful, so I cleansed myself with a tiny sliver of soap, which is not the easiest thing to do in the world. It's like showering with a marble, or maybe a vitamin. Regardless, when I was done I started to think of what happens to all those little soap shards people throw out. Man, if we could get our hands on all of them, that would be a huge amount of soap. We could make a lot of regular bars out of that.
2. Isn't it great when you're at a family function and the dog has a hard on? I can't think of a funnier way to incite an awkward moment than when a dog walks into a room full of aunts and uncles and has an erection. Maybe if it's humping someone. That makes for an uncomfortable situation and I love it. It's along the lines of going to a zoo on a first date and seeing some sort of primate playing with himself or watching some animal take a shit. Well, isn't that fantastic? People act like they don't see it but believe me - everybody knows what's going on.
3. How come at night, every fast food shake machine on earth breaks? What's up with that? Shakes are the kind of thing you eat at night. Nobody has a large milkshake at lunch. They eat them as late night snacks. But it never fails for me to hear that MOTHERFUCKER on the intercom tell me "Our shake machine is out of order...". I hate that person now. See what you did? You have driven me to hate you. I almost know they're gonna say that every time. Sometimes I don't even want one but I'll order it anyway just for them to tell me I can't have it. I want to say "Can I have 900 large strawberry shakes please" just for them to grasp how terribly bad I want a shake. The shake machine is out of order. Fine. But you wanna know what else is out of order? Your fucking face. Fuck you, you fucking bitch. Fuck! I wanted a shake! I literally have no other recourse. You were my last chance at a shake tonight and you have failed me. I don't have shakes at home. I don't have a shake machine. If I did, it would work. I can't go to a 24 hour Circle K and get a shake. A Frozen Coke is the closest I'll get. But I don't want that. I wanted a shake, you mothefucker you.
4. This morning while taking a shower, i noticed the bar of soap I had left had pretty much neared the end of it's short life. I had a full bar sitting next to it, but I wanted to use all of this soap before I made the switch. I didn't want to be wasteful, so I cleansed myself with a tiny sliver of soap, which is not the easiest thing to do in the world. It's like showering with a marble, or maybe a vitamin. Regardless, when I was done I started to think of what happens to all those little soap shards people throw out. Man, if we could get our hands on all of them, that would be a huge amount of soap. We could make a lot of regular bars out of that.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
A few weeks back, me and Aimee had to go to this thing called Pre-Cana. It's basically a forum provided by the Catholic Church to tell you everything you've done is wrong, that your marriage is probably going to fail, and that the only form of birth control you can practice which will NOT result in you burning in hellfire is Natural Family Planning. NFP is also what you use to accidentally have 15 children that you won't be able to properly provide for. I'm fairly certain that the people on Little House On The Prarie, The Waltons, Eight Is Enough, and Step By Step used it - thus they've properly earned their spot in Haites.
We were yelled at by a Deacon, listened to cute little anecdotes from a recently married couple, and watched a video that more-or-less drove home the point that "85% of couples who live together before marriage end up in divorce". In fact, I believe that was the title of the film. How awesome is that? Just 15% make it out. After it was all over, I think we were convinced to just keep living together instead of get married. I'd think that more than 15% of the hillbillies I see on Fox's COPS TV program are probably "common-law married" (which I believe takes 7 years... quite a commitment our toothless neighbors have made).
So then they get up and start talking about some sort of other business. We'd stopped and bought some little notebooks on our way because they said to bring writing materials. Sometime during somebody's rant, I drew the following:
(NOTE: Copy and Pasted from my Myspace Blog. Remind me when you read this, and I'll take the time to go and find the files and put them up here.)
I think "Mr. Sun" is my favorite. Either way, we broke for lunch and when we got back - all the seats in the back were taken. We had to sit in the front which meant the lector would be able to see me making art. Instead I had to think up little scenes in my head, like what would happen if I started choking or just stood up and fell on the ground convulsing. I'm sure an ambulance would be called. Then I'd stand up and go "Oh man, I was just kidding! Awwww Damn! I SOOOO got you guys... weeee!" I'd probably be cursed for starting a scene in the Catholic Life Center.
I'm gonna just go and crash the next one they have. Who's with me?
We were yelled at by a Deacon, listened to cute little anecdotes from a recently married couple, and watched a video that more-or-less drove home the point that "85% of couples who live together before marriage end up in divorce". In fact, I believe that was the title of the film. How awesome is that? Just 15% make it out. After it was all over, I think we were convinced to just keep living together instead of get married. I'd think that more than 15% of the hillbillies I see on Fox's COPS TV program are probably "common-law married" (which I believe takes 7 years... quite a commitment our toothless neighbors have made).
So then they get up and start talking about some sort of other business. We'd stopped and bought some little notebooks on our way because they said to bring writing materials. Sometime during somebody's rant, I drew the following:
(NOTE: Copy and Pasted from my Myspace Blog. Remind me when you read this, and I'll take the time to go and find the files and put them up here.)
I think "Mr. Sun" is my favorite. Either way, we broke for lunch and when we got back - all the seats in the back were taken. We had to sit in the front which meant the lector would be able to see me making art. Instead I had to think up little scenes in my head, like what would happen if I started choking or just stood up and fell on the ground convulsing. I'm sure an ambulance would be called. Then I'd stand up and go "Oh man, I was just kidding! Awwww Damn! I SOOOO got you guys... weeee!" I'd probably be cursed for starting a scene in the Catholic Life Center.
I'm gonna just go and crash the next one they have. Who's with me?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)