1. The Pilot Precise V7 Fine Point is the finest pen in the world. I've used a lot of pens, and in all honesty I have NEVER had a problem with the Precise series. I mean that. Pilot should sponsor me.
2. Isn't it great when you're at a family function and the dog has a hard on? I can't think of a funnier way to incite an awkward moment than when a dog walks into a room full of aunts and uncles and has an erection. Maybe if it's humping someone. That makes for an uncomfortable situation and I love it. It's along the lines of going to a zoo on a first date and seeing some sort of primate playing with himself or watching some animal take a shit. Well, isn't that fantastic? People act like they don't see it but believe me - everybody knows what's going on.
3. How come at night, every fast food shake machine on earth breaks? What's up with that? Shakes are the kind of thing you eat at night. Nobody has a large milkshake at lunch. They eat them as late night snacks. But it never fails for me to hear that MOTHERFUCKER on the intercom tell me "Our shake machine is out of order...". I hate that person now. See what you did? You have driven me to hate you. I almost know they're gonna say that every time. Sometimes I don't even want one but I'll order it anyway just for them to tell me I can't have it. I want to say "Can I have 900 large strawberry shakes please" just for them to grasp how terribly bad I want a shake. The shake machine is out of order. Fine. But you wanna know what else is out of order? Your fucking face. Fuck you, you fucking bitch. Fuck! I wanted a shake! I literally have no other recourse. You were my last chance at a shake tonight and you have failed me. I don't have shakes at home. I don't have a shake machine. If I did, it would work. I can't go to a 24 hour Circle K and get a shake. A Frozen Coke is the closest I'll get. But I don't want that. I wanted a shake, you mothefucker you.
4. This morning while taking a shower, i noticed the bar of soap I had left had pretty much neared the end of it's short life. I had a full bar sitting next to it, but I wanted to use all of this soap before I made the switch. I didn't want to be wasteful, so I cleansed myself with a tiny sliver of soap, which is not the easiest thing to do in the world. It's like showering with a marble, or maybe a vitamin. Regardless, when I was done I started to think of what happens to all those little soap shards people throw out. Man, if we could get our hands on all of them, that would be a huge amount of soap. We could make a lot of regular bars out of that.
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