Why does "bad news have to come in threes"? What's up with that. Why can't one bad thing happen and then it be done with. Isn't it pretty bleak to consider that once a single bad event has occured, you're still in for 2 more unfortunate things coming to you?
Why is there an "easter bunny" and not an "easter gazzelle", "easter ocelot", or "easter meerkat"? Why does it have to be a rabbit? After all, I've recently in the news about how a deer got into somebody's house and eventually knocked out a pit bull. More recently, a mountain lion was discovered in some guy's house. Perhaps these people were a little quick to judge. These animals were probably trying to deliver a little candy and/or treats to children while being discovered in their magical acts. After that, they had to defend themselves. I bet the Easter Deer kicked the shit out that pit bull. Could you imagine how the Easter Bunny would have faired?
How come everytime you end up on the phone with some business or corporation, their "menu has changed"? When the fuck was the original menu up... because every time I have ever called one, it has apparantly deviated from the last menu in some way. Is this some type of corporate decision? I can just see a CEO pacing in front of some huge table with other executives sitting around saying, "... oh, and by the way... Could somebody please get that damned menu changed?! We've had the same one for at least 2 weeks now!"
Also, I'd like to know when this change occured. Why can't you tell me that? Why can't you tell me that the "menu has not changed in the last 8 months" so I can have a point of reference. When should I start paying attention to the new menu? Will the menu be changing in the future? If so, when will it be changing? I need to mark my calendar.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Thursday, August 3, 2006
The Stinger
Here's something I wrote in Spring 2001:
I wish I had a stinger. Bees have them. Wasps have them. Ants kind of have them. Why can't I? If I had one, then I'd sting people and then run away. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Not a really powerful one, but a kind of powerful one. One that would hurt, but not kill. Just maim...injure, etc..
Right at this instant, I'm sitting on a bench at LSU. There's some people sitting on this other bench next to mine. See, if I had a stinger I would run over there, sting them, and then run away screaming like a little girl. Of course, I would keep turning around to see their reactions. They'd be writhing around on the ground in pain. Then I would run around a tree and hide, just waiting for my next victim.
Hmmm... where would my stinger be located? I guess I would like it mounted on my head like a unicorn. It would spring out whenever I got mad, and I would run up to someone and head butt hem on the arm, then run away. Perfect. Kick ASS. I'd probably need some kind of uniform as well. I could be a super villian. Not a really evil one, because I wouldn't rob banks or anything. Just an annoying one. Superman would certainly have his hands full with me. He'd always get calls and be like, "Stinger Man? What...again?! Dammit. I don't have time to deal with this shit. Just put some meat tenderizer and some aloe on it, and you'll be fine."
Ah yes...a stinger. Then the world would be mine. It would be so great. Say there's two chicks just standing there... chatting it up. You know. Typical chick chatter. "So, are you going to the mall today, cuz if you are, I wanna go. Tabitha bought the cutest little shirt at like, Lerner the other day. It has, like, these little black stripes on it... and, you know how stripes make you look slimmer, and...(STING!) FUCK! OH FUCK! My fucking arm. It hurts! Shit. Something just stung the piss out of me. Hey! It was that guy... running away. That one over there, screaming and, like, flailing his arms around..."
Awwww yeah. Stinger man strikes again.
I wish I had a stinger. Bees have them. Wasps have them. Ants kind of have them. Why can't I? If I had one, then I'd sting people and then run away. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Not a really powerful one, but a kind of powerful one. One that would hurt, but not kill. Just maim...injure, etc..
Right at this instant, I'm sitting on a bench at LSU. There's some people sitting on this other bench next to mine. See, if I had a stinger I would run over there, sting them, and then run away screaming like a little girl. Of course, I would keep turning around to see their reactions. They'd be writhing around on the ground in pain. Then I would run around a tree and hide, just waiting for my next victim.
Hmmm... where would my stinger be located? I guess I would like it mounted on my head like a unicorn. It would spring out whenever I got mad, and I would run up to someone and head butt hem on the arm, then run away. Perfect. Kick ASS. I'd probably need some kind of uniform as well. I could be a super villian. Not a really evil one, because I wouldn't rob banks or anything. Just an annoying one. Superman would certainly have his hands full with me. He'd always get calls and be like, "Stinger Man? What...again?! Dammit. I don't have time to deal with this shit. Just put some meat tenderizer and some aloe on it, and you'll be fine."
Ah yes...a stinger. Then the world would be mine. It would be so great. Say there's two chicks just standing there... chatting it up. You know. Typical chick chatter. "So, are you going to the mall today, cuz if you are, I wanna go. Tabitha bought the cutest little shirt at like, Lerner the other day. It has, like, these little black stripes on it... and, you know how stripes make you look slimmer, and...(STING!) FUCK! OH FUCK! My fucking arm. It hurts! Shit. Something just stung the piss out of me. Hey! It was that guy... running away. That one over there, screaming and, like, flailing his arms around..."
Awwww yeah. Stinger man strikes again.
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