Thursday, August 3, 2006

The Stinger

Here's something I wrote in Spring 2001:

I wish I had a stinger. Bees have them. Wasps have them. Ants kind of have them. Why can't I? If I had one, then I'd sting people and then run away. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Not a really powerful one, but a kind of powerful one. One that would hurt, but not kill. Just maim...injure, etc..
Right at this instant, I'm sitting on a bench at LSU. There's some people sitting on this other bench next to mine. See, if I had a stinger I would run over there, sting them, and then run away screaming like a little girl. Of course, I would keep turning around to see their reactions. They'd be writhing around on the ground in pain. Then I would run around a tree and hide, just waiting for my next victim.
Hmmm... where would my stinger be located? I guess I would like it mounted on my head like a unicorn. It would spring out whenever I got mad, and I would run up to someone and head butt hem on the arm, then run away. Perfect. Kick ASS. I'd probably need some kind of uniform as well. I could be a super villian. Not a really evil one, because I wouldn't rob banks or anything. Just an annoying one. Superman would certainly have his hands full with me. He'd always get calls and be like, "Stinger Man? What...again?! Dammit. I don't have time to deal with this shit. Just put some meat tenderizer and some aloe on it, and you'll be fine."
Ah yes...a stinger. Then the world would be mine. It would be so great. Say there's two chicks just standing there... chatting it up. You know. Typical chick chatter. "So, are you going to the mall today, cuz if you are, I wanna go. Tabitha bought the cutest little shirt at like, Lerner the other day. It has, like, these little black stripes on it... and, you know how stripes make you look slimmer, and...(STING!) FUCK! OH FUCK! My fucking arm. It hurts! Shit. Something just stung the piss out of me. Hey! It was that guy... running away. That one over there, screaming and, like, flailing his arms around..."
Awwww yeah. Stinger man strikes again.

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