Adam's House. Episode 2.

ah, July 4th. a great day for celebrating the independence of our country by drinking obscene amounts of alchohol. it seems that i've been doing this since birth - and this year was no exception.

i started the day off with good intentions. adam had called me and mentioned he was having people over at his parents' house again, and if i'm not mistaken, also told me to not take anyones pants this time. i assured him i wouldn't, said i was gonna go pick up some beer and me and the aimster would be right over.

of course, by the time we're walking out of albertsons, we've bought 2 cases of Bud Lt. and 2 cases of Natty. everyone was like "hey, buy me some beer and i'll pay you when you get here", etc. we put the cases in the back of the truck and headed for the:

(ding! ding! here comes mistake number one)

daiquiri shop.

so aimee orders the regular old pina colada or whatever. but i'm thinking "ok, daiquiris. this should start my day off with a nice buzz" so i order the super-gallon ass size TKO with an extra shot of everclear. she handles me the bucket, i took a sip, and it tasted like i'd cracked open a bottle of rubbing alcohol. seriously. we use everclear at the bar to remove permanant marker. it's like i'm drinking kerosene - with a fruity aftertaste. but did it slow me down? oh heeeeeeeeelll no.

so i'm drinking this massive concotion and driving for the kings. we pull up and it's just a few people. i'm was drinking the TKO, but fast because by this time, i was tired of it and desired one of the beers. i was taking these huge gulps. i was like "here, taste this" and people were like "hmmm... did you get into the gas can again? jesus...".

so finally, about 20 minutes after we'd gotten there - i finished it. i went inside and grabbed one of the beers. it was about this time that things started to get a little hazy and distorted. it's like in the movies when they show the fucked up guys' face, show what he sees: this wavy contortion, then shows his face again. thats what was going on. really.

so i had another beer and another and another. i remember talking to blake and may near the table, and they're like "sam, you're obviously fucked up", and i go "what?! no man, not yet...". but oh yes. i was. so i drank another beer and decided to get in the pool.

(ding! ding! mistake number two.)

i don't remember much about this part but i do remember this is where things started getting absolutly rediculous. this is that point where alcohol has taken control of you. i just remember swimming in the deep end and going all the way to the bottom and staying down there too long. then i'd pop up. i did this over and over again. swim down, pop up. so then i decided to swim over by the slide. i came up and there was heather and tandie. so i started talking to them, and one of them says "sam, you have this huge booger hanging out of your nose...". i was like "son of a bitch, motherfucker. i think that's the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me."

but it wasn't. it was at that point i decided to get out of the pool and get on the slide.

(ding! ding!. HORRIBLE mistake number 3.)

so i climb to the top of the slide and i stand on it. standing up. wasted, about 12 feet above the concrete patio just waiting to split my skull open like a melon. everybody was saying "SAM! GET OFF OF THERE! YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED! GET DOWN!". i'm just observing the view, in a maniacal drunken rage. so finally i slide down, swim over to the side and get out of the pool with my ass hanging out of the trunks.

by now, i'm clueless. i'm completly shit-hammered. i think i walked around and ran into stuff. i remember walking out into the driveway and talking to people. somebody told me i started pissing all over bradley's car but i don't remember that. i was just super fucked, and still drinking beer. i mean, schnokered.

eventually i had to pee again, so i was walking all around the house trying to find a place to go. i saw aimee go into the bathroom in the hallway, and i was like "what a great idea", so i went in behind her. she sat down to pee, and i had to go too so i started going in the sink. aimee was like "you know, if you had to go that bad, you could have gone before me" but i told her that pissing in the sink was much cooler than pissing in toilets. so then we finish up, i rinse the sink out and we walk out into the living room. aimee immedietly starts telling everybody that i pissed in the sink. i said "i just really had to go" and aimee was all "no you didn't. you said you peed in the sink because pissing in the sink is cool" and i go "well, it is...". shortly after this, i started thinking i was having a heart attack and i was totally ready to go home. but then i remembered to go and ask for the money for the beer i bought. marco and bradley told me to get $10 out of thier wallets. people were making jokes like "hey, better not let sam get into the pants room again". so i remember opening every wallet in the room, checking id's to see who's was who's. i took whatever, made change for whatever, and walked out the room.

so then i was like "ok, everybody. i'm leaving." so i walked outside, and glen says "sam, you're a little messed up. let me drive you home." we got into the truck and glen - the saint that he is - drove me and aimee to the homestead, about 8 blocks away.

so for the rest of the evening, i sat on the couch being confused. looking around the room breathing heavilly..wondering about corners, cracked paint. just sitting there. eventually i passed out and was late getting to work.

the next day i called adam to ask him what i did. he filled in some gaps that i'd apparantly forced from memory. he did key me into something interesting. apparantly after everyone was getting ready to go home, there was some discussion about the transactions i'd performed. bradley was $20 short instead of 10 and glen's wallet was completely rearranged. he'd magically made about $7 though.

so, there you go. drunken memories of another July 4th. i wonder when adam's parents are going out of town again.

shampoo, JOHN!, angry cow, confused and disgusted...

how often does this happen to you? i'm in the shower, about to wash my hair. i open the little hinge cap from the shampoo bottle, hold the bottle above my hand at about a 45 degree angle, and then accidentally dump a shitload of shampoo into my hand. "fuck", i say... looking at the rediculous sized puddle in my palm. i didn't need THIS much shampoo. so then, it never fails... i try to pour the huge amount back into the tiny hole in the bottle which NEVER works. so then i just end up shampooing my entire body. oh well - i guess i'll smell pretty good today. the other day i was sitting in the house and heard my neighbor yelling. this woman next door was all pissed off, angrilly snapping at whoever. so i turned my tv off and quietly opened my sliding door so i could listen in. she was on the phone and just screaming "FATHERHOOD HAPPENS EVERY DAY, JOHN! FATHERHOOD HAPPENS EVERY DAY!!!". i wanted to go yell out "yeah, i got your fatherhood right here..." then slam the door - but i didn't. then she goes "JOHN, WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE...". i was like, what the hell is this woman talking about? i think that if you're going to yell conversations on the phone loud enough for your neighbors to hear, you have to explain yourself. last week, i was driving for my job to go drop off some stuff in W. Feliciana, and i was passing tons of cow pastures. i started to wonder if cows ever get mad. i mean, bulls obviously get mad but what about cows? horses can get mad. i'm pretty sure goats can get mad. what if cows can't get mad? i wish i couldn't get mad. that would be pretty awesome. the other night, mac, joe, and i were driving over to a new bar here in town and i was pretty wasted. so we started shouting out different situational moods that started with the same letter, then wondering what it would be like to combine them. i think the first one was "disoriented" and "disgusted". so i said it would be like "oh, geez. i feel dizzy. woah..man, where am i? whoo... i.. ugh. i don't like this car. good Lord.. this seatbelt is gross...". the next one was "constipated" and "curious". it was like "oooh. oh man, i am really backed up. oooogh, geez. i just feel so weighted..but... what is this over here. a box? hmmm.. i wonder what is in the box. let's see... um... oooooh. ok, maybe later. i feel too full and heavy.". i have an electric razor i keep it in my car and shave on my way to work. this morning, the battery started to die after i'd shaved about 25% of my face. so today i have a half shave. dammit...

Trade In Your Breakfast For This Dannon Frusion Smoothie!

hello, yes. you can trade in your breakfast. just try it. this weekend i had the pleasure of going to Whole Foods for the first time. well, it wasn't the first time really - i went and dropped off 6 bundles of duct wrap while it was being constructed, but at that point, it was a hulking empty buliding with nothing but spiral ductwork running above. no walls, no paint, and no people. but not anymore. Whole Foods has opened, and much to the delight of everyone in Baton Rouge as all 250,000 of its residents were crammed into the store this weekend. It's like an organic Wal-Mart. It's what Sam Walton would have envisioned had he been a hippie. Bright, colorful, and kind of weird. The second i walked in, i was ready to leave. I don't know what it is about this town, but as soon as something new opens - everyone and their mother flocks to see it. literally. i saw a lot of people and thier mothers in there. Ultimately it was kind of neat. There's sandwich bars, sushi bars, pizza bars. All of it organic. In fact, even the walls are probably biodegradable. I just don't know why all the people were in there. I was like "Call Whole Foods. Tell them to build one of these on the south side of town IMEDIATELY! Get some of these people out of here". This is in the new Town Centre shopping land by my house. If anything, this new structure has increased my property value. And it's fun if you're bored with the new Olive Garden on Seigen, or you're finally tired of the Shaw Center and the Tsunami patio. but in the end, Whole Foods is like a grocery store in which you can't buy everything you need. one thing i did need was dog and cat food. after searching for the Gravy Train or Wiskahs, i finally realized i was going to have to buy something made with corn starch and grains or something. Zeke looked at his for awhile and eventually realized it was all that would be served and grudgingly ate it. "Just Cat" (named by Emily) opted for grass or something, but the ants were all about it. but maybe we can learn a thing or two from out pets. Preservatives are pretty damned good sometimes. unfortunately, i was never able to trade in my breakfast for a Dannon Frusion smoothie. Whole Foods does not carry it.

Fanta. Do I Want One? Hmmm....

ok, thats it. the "Fanta" commercials have forced me to hate Fanta. before, I didn't know if i liked it or not. Now i know i hate it. i guess the advertising campaign worked. i've never tased Fanta but i already know i hate it. "Wanta Fanta?" "no, bitch. get the fuck up out of my face...."

Things You Can't Do With Silica Gel.

it never fails, everytime i get a new jacket or pair of jeans, i always find a little packet of little crystals called silica gel. i don't know what it is or what it does. i've always just looked at it as a free prize i got for buying the article of clothing, like at the bottom of crackerjack or cereal. the first thing i say to anyone who is in the room when i find it is "hey, silica gel. lets eat this... oh, wait.. it says not to...". literally. i do this every time.

so the only warning is to not eat it. thats the first thing that whomever put that in your clothes wants you to know. it's not for eating. you don't need to know what it is, you just need to know not to eat it. i mean, is this some type of reflex people have i don't know about? eating stuff they find in new things?

it's not like i buy a new cd, open the case and start eating the compact disc. or buy a drill and start eating the drill bits or battery charger. in fact, i can't think of anything people may eat when they would buy some type of new accessory or piece of clothing. "hey, look at this new shirt i bought at the mall. it used to have buttons on it, but after i got into the car i had the strange urge to eat them. yeah, weird.. i know...".

but that's the only rule. you can rub it on your skin, throw it at children, give it to the dog, snort it, rub it in your eyes, pee on it, make fun of it - but for pete's sake.. DO NOT EAT IT! anything else, fine. it might be the tastiest thing in the world but we will never know. we have been forbidden by its creator to eat it.

so tell me. have any of you eaten the silica gel?

Adam's House. Episode 1.

you know, i'm always about a week late on bringing my blog up to date. i guess getting anecdotal takes some time. stories have to age, i assume. like old Uncle Remus or the Crypt Keeper. i mean, storytellers have always been older, right? hearing a sentance like "GRANDPA, TELL US A STORY" would be more traditional than hearing "Hey, Billy. How about one of those stories...". ok, for the record.. it's official... i CANNOT ever drink liquor again. never. maybe a shot. like 1. maybe 2. other than that, better get me to just stick to the beer. last week, good old adam king decided to have a party at his parents house. in case none of you have heard about what happened last time i partied at adam's parents, allow me to bring you up to speed: Party at the King's House. PART 1. Summer 2003. As most summer parties around a pool go, we had been drinking a rediculous amount of beer during the day in the blazing sun. As the party had winded down, I was going to leave and change out of my swim trunks, so i walked into the bedroom my shorts were in - took off the trunks and put the shorts back on. So, as i was extremely intoxicated, i apparantly then immediately forgot i'd changed pants. i assumed i was still in my trunks, and grabbed another pair of pants sitting on the floor. i walked to my car, threw the pants in the back seat and proceeded to not remember driving home. the next day i got up for work and vaguely remember getting a bunch of cell phone calls during the night. (que Nokia tune): "Hello...?" "Sam, do you have Mike's pants?" "What?" "Sam, please make sure you didn't grab Mike's pants by mistake..." "Wait... What? What pants?" "Mike's pants. Do you have them. Did you grab them by accident..." "Pants? No. I'm not wearing any pants..." (click) so i awoke the next morning, feeling like shit, and i got dressed to go to work. as i looked in the back seat i saw a pair of pants. I was like "hmm... how did these get here." I brought them inside and as I carried them, i noticed the weight of a wallet in the back pocket. When i opened it, i slowly remembered the hazy phone calls and a limited amount of their content. But as I saw Mikey's smiling face on the ID, i couldn't help but smile back at him. So at 6:15 in the morning, I called him to tell him of my discovery. "Hey man, did you put your pants in the back seat of my car..." "No. You did....(pause)...and shit, now I have a lot of apologies to make..." Hours after I'd left the party with his pants, he'd gotten out of the pool to go and get dressed and discovered that his pants had obviously been stolen. He'd cursed people out, made accusations, threatened to beat people up. I couldnt help but think of an enraged Mike Terito screaming at people in a pool.. with his swimsuit on. He'd cancelled all of his credit cards, debit cards, everything. I felt so bad that I drove out to Gonzales just to take him to lunch. Well, the next thing you know... it's 2005 and i've got a TKO Daquirri with an EXTRA shot of Everclear... TO BE CONTINUED, maybe...

Disney World? Disney PLANET!

what a week. i've just had one of the most insane weeks of my life and i'm def ready for a nap. here's the update on what m.c. sam has been into for the last 2 weeks. for those of yous who don't know, me and aimee got engaged this weekend. you know, what kind of word is that. engaged? i mean, it makes me think of some fighter pilot term... "missles engaged.."? anyway, it was finally time to do it and move on to the next chapter in my life. sorry ladies.. this motherfucker is taken. so i just got back from the happiest place on earth: Disneyworld. Aimee worked there a few years back, was part of the Disney college program, and met some of the most interesting people you could imagine. i could honestly do a sociological study on the typical Disney employee. there are some of them who won't go and see movies made by Universal, Fox, or Warner Bros... only companies owned by Disney. They'll only watch ABC, they don't accept the existance of Shrek or South Park. Why have Daffy Duck when you could have Donald Duck? Why have Bugs Bunny when you could have Roger Rabbit? and the thing is, you don't know these people exist until you emurse yourself in their culture. It's the closest thing to a cult that can thrive in modern society. maybe i'm just pissed because there's no Sam-World. instead of the "Tower of Terror", i'd have the "Tower of Terrorism". i'd also make a Judge Genius ride, where you would go into a big dome and people would chase you with rubber mallots while JG played at full volume. or maybe i'd make a ride where you go into a dark hallway and just trip over stuff. I'd call it the "Great Big Falldown". As we walked around Disney, i looked at the despaired looks on some of the people's faces as they waited in lines. then i had an idea for another ride. "Line - THE RIDE". it would be this long line that lead to a door, and after people waited for 45 minutes, the door would open and it would just be nothing. or maybe another line to stand in. after i stood in line for something for like 30 minutes, i told aimee "hey, maybe this is all there is. it's just a line...". then we went on the Pirates of the Carribean. there was this little girl with her parents, just about to get on the boat... and the girl was just crying her eyes out. she was like "I don't want to die..." and aimee leant over and was like "you're not going to die..". i looked at aimee a few minutes later and said "you don't know if that girl's going to die or not. she might flip out and jump out of the boat or something..". then aimee told me a few years ago this retarded kid jumped out of Splash Mountain and died. wouldn't that be awesome to see that happen? anyways, here's the list of rides we're making for the grand opening of Sam-World, coming fall of 2008.

1. "Tower of Terrorism"

2. "Line - the Ride"

3. "The Great Big Falldown"

4. Run from whorish ants in "Ants! Whores! Ant-whore!"

5. "Cow - The Adventure"

6. "Virtual Poverty"

7. "Purgatory. Then Hell. Just kidding, WE GAVE YOU ACID!" (ages 8 and up)

8. "Punch a Bum in the Gut"

9. "the Great Prison Rape Adventure".

10. "Wake Up With Cheetos".

11. fun for the whole family in "Captain Hoof and the Beastiality Train"

12. "Escape From Satsuma"

13. carry a pallet of bricks on "Bad Back"

14. "Grandma and the Money Shot"... and last but not least...

15. Shit Out A Buick.