Success Rice, Tori, and Vomit

I was at the store the other day and I was on the rice isle. So I saw some called "Success Rice". I started thinking... would the opposite be called "Failure Rice"? That probably wouldn't sell well. But I would buy it. And when it came out of the boiling water and it was shrivled and discolored, I would say "I have successfully failed at this." But then it wouldn't be much of a failure, would it? Anyway, I kept ambling around (which most of you know, I fucking love to do in grocery stores) and I found some of the store brand items. I admired them for a while, and then broke into a sprint towards the meat isle. There I grabbed some pre-packaged pork loin (say that 3 times fast) and held it at my crotch like it was a gigantic horse wang and swang it around in the direction of an old woman, panting and wild eyed... Ok, the last part of that wasn't true but it would be fantastic if it were? The answer is yes. It would be.
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The next time your in an empty parking lot and a bum approaches you and you expect him to ask for money, quickly ask him if he can lend you a dollar before he says anything. That'll shut him up. That is, until he stabs you or something. Then I guess he'll get your money anyway.
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Is every single Tori Amos or Fiona Apple song about rape?
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Several years ago, me and a bunch of friends got really drunk one night and then passed out in various places in the apartment. The next morning about 9am I woke up and was about to vomit so I ran to the bathroom and someone was inside, passed out with the door locked. I then ran to the kitchen sink, but it was full of dishes. Frantically anticipating a severe problem of throwing up on the floor OR on or very near sleeping people, I opened the front door and threw up violently a few feet from the little concrete entranceway. After I'd finished, I looked up and noticed a man walking behind his 8 year old daughter on a bike with training wheels, staring at me. He probably thought I was on heroin or something. That's not something I would expect to see in my apartment complex. Either way, one of the people sleeping in that apartment was a very close friend of mine (I'll edit this later and enter his name if he's ok with it). He later told me he'd fingered some chick earlier that evening and wiped his soiled hand all over my face after I had passed out. I wish I would have known because I'd have thrown up on him that morning. I kind of got him back several years later but that story's for another day.