Target this...

the other day me and aimee were in Target and a few things crossed my mind. first of all, what in the HELL is really going on in there? when i was little, K-mart was friggin huge. Target could easily fit like 6 K-marts in it. and if the really big Target is a SUPER Target, than what would a regular Target be? Mortal Target? Meager Target? Target-sapian? So anyways, i wanted some GOOD strawberry jelly (not the Sugar-free non-food that Aimee always gets) so i headed for the "spreads" isle and found the preserves. Then i started thinking "What exactly are they preserving?" but my lack of grocery intellect and big eyes got the better of me, as i was affixed on all the pretty colors. As i picked out a huge jar of Bama Strawberry, i started to think about what would happen if i just picked it up and launched it down the isle, grenade style. I'm sure one of the uniformed Target Asset Protection Officers(tm) would hunt me down gestapo style, as i cowered somewhere in frozen foods. Finally when we got to the checkout counter, i started watching people unpack their baskets. This woman pulls out this massive 5000 roll pack of toilet paper and i found it sort of humourous. How could such a private act be so public in its preperation. I see her toilet paper, an item that will be used in a pretty foul manner. Right now, it's just toilet paper. Clean. White. But not for long... Oh, Target.

possible album names.

possible album names: 

1. we're all going to die. 

2. teenage love falls apart. 

3. i really wanna f*ck lindsay lohan. 

4. a novel obviously written in a coffee shop. 

5. diarhea of a mad man 

6. lets all get cohlera! 

7. rejected as suspected. 

8. hey rocky, watch me pull this rabbit out of my hat!

9. the dog that bites you. 

10. Q: who's drunk? A: who's not? 

11. pissed in your dr. pepper. 

12. bloody taco. 

13. bloody hairy taco in your dr. pepper. 

14. burger queen 

15. move with style. move with grace. 

16. who wrote "scrote" on my old pet goat? 

17. give a dog a bono (U2's singer) 

18. stereo in stereo 

19. mexiCAN. mexiCAN'T. 

20. no room in the red room 

21. the chopper 

22. huxtable hugs tables. 

23. this album does not sound like LL Cool J, i'm sorry! 

24. give up and give down 

25. the little boy God hated. 

26. songs about shit and ailments 

27. mothers, fuckers, others, truckers. 

28. God made you fat. 

29. who's gonna pop the zits on yer back? 

30. makin' love during the war. 

31. every song hank williams ever wrote. 

32. songs hank williams did NOT write, but would. 

33. songs by hank jr. which mention hank sr. 

34. songs hank williams hated 

35. songs hank williams did not hate, but would. 

more to come later.

Can you really set ANYTHING as your ringtone?

why is it that when i need something the most, it responds to me the least? for example, my cell phone battery died the other day right when i was expecting an important call. knowing that i had a regular land line phone i could use when needed, i turned the phone back on just hoping to keep it on a little while so i'd know when i got the call. you know, hoping i'd maybe hear half a ring-tone before it died again. but when you turn it on, it has to vibrate and flash a bunch of lights and exert all this crazy energy it's trying to impress you with... of course THAT'S gonna take everything it's got left in it and it's going to immediately die out. also, what's up with ringtones now? i mean, what's wrong with a regular phone ringtone. "ring ring" - pick up the phone. why will people pay $1 or more to have their phone play Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Papa" when they're in a hospital or a busy restaurant. how does sitting in a coffee shop with you're phone suddenly springing to life, screaming out Ashlee Simpson's "La La", possibly reveal anything about your personality? what extent is this really gonna get to? i mean, how big can speakers be on cellphones? is there going to come a time when people walk in, set their phone in the table, and then set up a little sound system so you can hear some Beethoven in Bose Sorround Sound(tm)? is it going to be like bass in cars, where people will get bigger and bigger cellphones for some window shaking, phone ringing action? in a related story, the jamster things on this website are the absolute most annoying things i've ever heard in my life. post on, dearest samuel.

Item is not in bagging area, stupid!

today i went to the Home Depot. man, what a store. did you know the owner of the Home Depot own's the NFL's Atlanta Falcons? just a little trivia for you. anyways, all i wanted to buy was a pair of gloves. just one little thing. as i prowled the cashier line of about 4000 registers, i noticed only about 4 of them were open - with about 15 people in each line. i mean, why put so many registers out there if you never have any intention of opening them all at once? you know, Wal-Mart and Target also share in this little anomaly. "lets see how many registers we can fit in here". can you imagine what it would be like if Wal Mart had every register open? what kind of madness that would be....? so i decided i'd head for the self check out line. ok, this is something that astounds me. i think a lot of stores are switching to this but not one of them has perfected it yet. everytime i see one, i think "ok, i'm not THAT bad with technology. i can do this". and Home Depot has one that talks to you. "Please place item in bagging area...". so of course i fuck it up and i've got the computer voice e-screaming at me... "Item is not in bagging area, please remove it. please place item in bagging area. Please enter the number of items. Item is not in bagging area. Please place item in bagging area. Please scan item. Item is not in bagging area.." and finally the inevitable "Please wait for assistance..." It's like the computer is telling you you're too stupid. "Please place item in bagging area. Please? Come on, you fucking idiot! Place the fucking item in the fucking bagging area. What are you, retarded or something... UGGHHH... Ok, hold on, you dumbass. let me call someone over here". and the best thing is, as i'm being berated by my personal station at the self check out, i can hear scores of others being insulted as well. over and over again "Item is not in bagging area". it's the section where masochists would shop. you can get the best of both worlds. you're shopping but you're being berated at the same time. so to make a long story short, i spent more time buying a pair of gloves at the self checkout then i would have spent standing in one of the long lines of manual registers. i think that as i breezed passed all the frustrated shopers standing in the long lines, they were all probably thinking "Oh, this should be great. He's making an attempt to use the self check out. this should be a good laugh. bastards.

E! Presents the Top 100 Horsewhip Beatings.

ok, i've had enough with a certain format of television shows and i can't take it anymore. a few years back, vh1 popped up with the I Love the 80's mini and everyone loved it. it was the greatest little show of wit and banter from pop culture in recent memory. people were like "oh my God, this is the funiest thing i've ever seen...". from Michael Ian Black to Donel Logue, ha ha ha ha! Cathy Griffin, Dong from 16 Candles, ha ha ha! but then i started picking up on a trend. It's the newest thing in pop tv since reality tv. everyone started doing this. some little video package montage, then cut to some semi celebrity to hear their semi coached response to it. back to montage - cut to different sub celeb. is this the new way to get Americans' attentions? and everyone is starting to do this but they're doing shittier and shittier jobs at it. i mean, E! had the Top 100 Celebrity Anal Leakage Moment List on, and i didn't know ANYBODY doing the commentary. even the little produced shit they're supposed to rant about is bad. footage of Lindsay Lohan. Voice over says : "Lindsay Lohan, blah blah blah..." cut to the guy who played the mailman in Who's The Boss: "yeah, she's hot..." more footage. "Lindsay Blah Blah..." cut to Fabio saying "She is girl with nice breasts..." i mean, it's really getting bad here. i'd rather watch animals mating or something. or maybe some footage of the kid from My Chemical Romance getting maimed by lions or boars.

freeze frames.

the other day i was thinking about those voiceovers in the Dukes of Hazzard. you know, where there would be a freeze frame and Waylon Jennings would say something like "Now, I don't know how them Duke boys think they're gonna get out of this one...", then there'd be a quick 2 guitar chord progression and they'd cut to commercial... what if my life was like that? i mean, what if when something was about to go awry, i could have a freeze frame with a gentle voiceover, politely asking how i would correct my current wronging? like the other day when i spilled coffee all over my desk. my arm nudges the side of the 24 oz Circle K cup, causing it to lean at about a 45 degree angle and just as i'm staring at it with my mouth gaping, eyes wide, coffee flying out of it...FREEZE FRAME! "Now, I wonder how MAD sam is gonna be, when the Carnation Hazlenut Creme he added to this coffee dries into a sticky mess all over the desk and floor...". (que guitar chord). i guess i couldn't have Waylon since he's dead. i'd have to have someone else. some other obscure celebrity... like Joanna Kearns, the mom from Growing Pains. or the girl who played Lisa on Saved By The Bell. maybe Wayne Newton, Corky from Life Goes On, or Stephanie on Full House. and i could have my voiceover freeze frame for a variety of issues. from spilling popcorn, peeing on the side of the toilet (when it's dark. geez... sorry.), drinking too much and playing volleyball on the beach without any pants on... you get the idea. "Now, normally one would remember to not go bounding around a public place with his wang flying around everywhere..." Peace. p.s. lately whenever i'm sitting through the start of a movie, and the MGM Lion roars, i mouth the roar along with the lion. i don't know... i just have to do it. i don't know why.

there's some girls you just don't wanna mess with.

someone asked me the other night about the most interesting thing that happened to me so far in the bar business. about 2 months after we opened, there were these 2 girls sitting at the end of the bar just hanging out. now, these were kind of hard looking chicks. i mean.. i wouldn't want to piss em off if you know what i mean. so they're just talking away when eventually i suppose the conversation took a wrong turn. supposedly there was some debate about a guy both of them knew or something. so they start yelling and at this time, people in the bar are starting to look over at them. so one of them (we'll call her girl A) grabs the other one (girl B), and they just start screaming and shit. then Girl B picks up an empty pint glass and smacks Girl A in the fucking face with it...hard enough to break it. this is when it gets ugly. so Girl A is bleeding like crazy... her face is cut really bad, as is Girl B's hand. you'd think this is where it would end, but they end up on the ground swinging. blood flying everywhere. door guys had to pull them apart, and i mean.. you know. we called the cops and the paramedics and it was just nuts. i've never seen people fight like this. it was the wildest thing i'd ever seen. anyhoo. i'm spent. 3 blogs in a day. i'm tired...