Have you ever been watching a commercial on television, and shortly after the spot is over, thought about what would happen next? I know it's not like a feature film or anything, but sometimes I get attached to these characters rather quickly, and quite frankly I'd like a little closure. For the sake of making myself laugh though, my imaginary conclusions to these situations don't usually end in any particular way. In fact, the more bizzarre, the better. Take for instance that commercial where the guy is walking around on the cell phone saying "Can you hear me now? Good!" over and over again. Wouldn't it be better if he just kept walking around and eventually goes "Wait... What? What the fuck did you just say?! No! Fuck You!" and then just starts crying incontrollably... Or maybe gets hit by a car, or mugged, or even better, just explodes into flames. Now, if that happened, I'm telling you now - I would switch to whatever phone service that is immediately. What about the one where the guy is talking about baked beans, and his golden retriever is always trying to give out the secret recipe... I wish he'd be sitting there just going on and on, and when the dog starts talking, the guy would just start freaking out, screaming in fear and clawing at the set trying to escape. Or one where the guy just gets his satellite dish installed, and he's asking the technician about all the channels he gets. Suddenly the Direct TV guy walks out the door and, without any warning, gets picked up by a giant condor and flown to the north pole. There, the giant birds recruit him to be their leader, and he later returns to America to destroy any cable company that trys to compete with him. His name is Kon-Dor, Lord of the Satellite, and Hark! All will know his name!
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I've been having some run-ins here lately with the angel of death, and my word, I'm getting a little sick of it. One thing that funerals or memorial services can do though is make you realize your mortality. Unless you're a highlander or something. Either way, as I was recently at a memorial service that was excruciating, I felt like I should make some things clear before I myself one day head off into the great beyond. First of all, I'd like my obituary to mention something about how I was one of the original members of Metallica, and that I also had cured several types of cancer but never wrote the information down on how to do it. That way, people would be forced to figure out a way to reanimate me for my knowledge, in addition to getting a rare Metallica autograph. After I lead these scientists through many long and methodic experiments, I'd finally break the news to them that I didn't really know how to cure anything. What would they do? Kill me? Shit, if they had figured out how to bring people back to life, they'd probably had already gotten past the cancer curing thing. Note to self... come up with some other type of knowledge to take with you to the grave... Maybe if I could convince them about the Metallica thing, they'd spare me.
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Wouldn't it be great to build a teleporting machine? The answer is yes. It would be great. Unless you accidentally teleported yourself to the moment you were teleporting yourself, and then got stuck in this teleporting flux, over and over again. It would be fun if someone turned off the machine after they realized where you were. But if they never turned it off, you'd be in a world of shit.
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I think it's funny that although we've invented technology where you can actually pick up a telephone and call another person on a telephone, virtually anywhere... sometimes we opt for the simplicity of the text message. So we shun this incredible concept of actually speaking with people and embrace an older idea - essentially writing, but by either pressing number keys several times or with tiny little keyboards. This leads me to believe we'll eventually revert back to carrier pigeons, which would be a lot more fun. Either that or just screaming. Or better yet, screaming carrier pigeons.
"HEY!!! BILLY!!! LOOK UP HERE! HEY! JENNY SAID TO CALL HER LATER!!! HELLO?! JENNY SAID TO... YEAH.. ME. IT'S THE PIGEON! YEAH. SO CALL JENNY, OK?! "
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Be born.
I just realized that in every form of electronic calender I've ever had, be it Microsoft Outlook, any of my old palm pilots, etc.. I've always went back to the literal month, date, and year of my birth (because you can do that on electronic calenders...). I then always type in somewhere "Be born today". I love being an e-smartass.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Fun?! Fair?!
Last night I was at the bar and Danny reminded me of something. Sometime last year, a bunch of us were in New Orleans. I don't know if it was a bachelor party or what. But I do remember a few interesting things that occured the morning after we'd all gotten shnockered and I wanted to put them down in words before the memory escaped me forever.
Me and Mac were walking from one of the other rooms towards the room Joe, Daniel, Danny, Brennan, and Matt were in. We were on about the 4th floor and the hotel we were in had an open air balcony patio thing, and the hotel wasn't very far from the Mississippi River. Somewhere on the river, there was a boat with a calliope playing this inane and incredibly irritating tuine. It just kept playing and playing, louder and louder. As we were walking, I looked at Mac and said, "This is the kind of music they play in hell"...
When we got to Joe's room, we walked in and if I remember correctly, the NCAA Basketball Tourney was on and Duke was playing. The only reason I remember that is that I knew LSU would be playing them soon, which is pretty much the only reason I would be paying attention to the NCAA Basketball Tourney. Everyone in the room was laying about and quietly watching it through swolen red eyes, scantly saying a word. Several pieces of hotel stationary were strewn about, and one of them had my name on it, followed by the "greater than or equal to" sign, and then the caricature of a penis to which I laughed hysterically at.
Eventually a commercial came on, and the topic of Fun Fair Park came up. Fun Fair Park was this broken down piece of crap amusement park on Florida Blvd in Baton Rouge, mostly known for the fact that one of their rides occasionally killed people. They also had a caged chimpanzee, which in retrospect I cannot fathom how this creature never ripped a child's fingers off but either way... We posed the question of what exactly what was fun about it, and what was fair about it.
If there was a Fun Fair Park...what would the Fun Un-Fair Park be?
Fun Un-Fair Park would probably have different prices for everyone walking in. One guy would get in for fifty cents, and the next guy would be charged fifty dollars. When they complained, they would be punched in the stomach.
People would be singled out, waiting in line for a ride and thrown out of the park for no reason. If they made it to the front of the line, some would be told they couldn't ride and they'd have to go wait in line again. I'm sure they'd ask "Well is there a height requirement" to which the ride operator would reply "No, but life isn't fair. Now get to the end of the line before I punch you in the face..."
There would be prizes like any carnival has, but they would range from cars to trinkets to random acts of violence. People would be excited that they won whatever game they were playing, but that excitement would turn to horror as the attendant assaulted them. Someone would say "This isn't fair" to which a carny would yell "Well, life isn't fair. Look at me! I've got an eternal tan and tattoos on my forearms created with coat hangers and indian ink!"
Ha ha... What's wrong with me?
Me and Mac were walking from one of the other rooms towards the room Joe, Daniel, Danny, Brennan, and Matt were in. We were on about the 4th floor and the hotel we were in had an open air balcony patio thing, and the hotel wasn't very far from the Mississippi River. Somewhere on the river, there was a boat with a calliope playing this inane and incredibly irritating tuine. It just kept playing and playing, louder and louder. As we were walking, I looked at Mac and said, "This is the kind of music they play in hell"...
When we got to Joe's room, we walked in and if I remember correctly, the NCAA Basketball Tourney was on and Duke was playing. The only reason I remember that is that I knew LSU would be playing them soon, which is pretty much the only reason I would be paying attention to the NCAA Basketball Tourney. Everyone in the room was laying about and quietly watching it through swolen red eyes, scantly saying a word. Several pieces of hotel stationary were strewn about, and one of them had my name on it, followed by the "greater than or equal to" sign, and then the caricature of a penis to which I laughed hysterically at.
Eventually a commercial came on, and the topic of Fun Fair Park came up. Fun Fair Park was this broken down piece of crap amusement park on Florida Blvd in Baton Rouge, mostly known for the fact that one of their rides occasionally killed people. They also had a caged chimpanzee, which in retrospect I cannot fathom how this creature never ripped a child's fingers off but either way... We posed the question of what exactly what was fun about it, and what was fair about it.
If there was a Fun Fair Park...what would the Fun Un-Fair Park be?
Fun Un-Fair Park would probably have different prices for everyone walking in. One guy would get in for fifty cents, and the next guy would be charged fifty dollars. When they complained, they would be punched in the stomach.
People would be singled out, waiting in line for a ride and thrown out of the park for no reason. If they made it to the front of the line, some would be told they couldn't ride and they'd have to go wait in line again. I'm sure they'd ask "Well is there a height requirement" to which the ride operator would reply "No, but life isn't fair. Now get to the end of the line before I punch you in the face..."
There would be prizes like any carnival has, but they would range from cars to trinkets to random acts of violence. People would be excited that they won whatever game they were playing, but that excitement would turn to horror as the attendant assaulted them. Someone would say "This isn't fair" to which a carny would yell "Well, life isn't fair. Look at me! I've got an eternal tan and tattoos on my forearms created with coat hangers and indian ink!"
Ha ha... What's wrong with me?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Toothpaste, Showerheads, and Gangsta Chick Country
Have you ever noticed the length you will go, the distances you will travel, the trials and tribulations you'll put yourself through... just to get one more brushing's worth of toothpaste out of the tube. Whenever I start to run low, I ueually don't even make any type of note of it until it gets to be a real challenge to get that last little bit. I know I'm living on borrowd toothpaste time. It's hard for me to visualize where I get the brute strength in the mornings to smash the shit out of the flattened and mostly empty tube just the get that smidgen of toothpaste residue on my brush. We're past the pea sized globule you use when the tube is new. You can just prepare the brush with no abandon, no care in the world when you got a new tube. It's like the way oil was looked at back in the day when they built cars out of steel. But no, not now. At this point, I don't even know if there's really any paste on the brush. I think there is. I think I got a little. The next step after this is scraping the bristles around the little tube hole. And brother, that's a whole new ballgame...
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Have you ever taken a shower somewhere and noticed the showehead indicating a massage setting? Not to spoil the surprise here, but it's probably the worst massage ever. Who came up with this idea? I mean, were massages horribly inadequate when this showerhead was designed? I have to say, I feel sorry for people who turn this on and are suddenly relaxed and relieved of stress... Because that person has obviously never felt the touch of another human being in their life. I hearby issue a boycott on all showerheads that can claim to give a massage until we can get this right. And I've brought this up to several people in the past and some of you ladies out there use the showerhead for some dirty things. Look, I'm not raining on your parade. If it had a "masturbation" setting, I wouldn't be all up in arms. But it doesn't. So I'm not going to take it anymore.
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Um, I don't listen to the radio too much anymore. At least not much top 40 stuff. Every now and again I'll come across something that has some major current pop relevance in our culture. So the other day I heard a song by Carrie Underwood called "Before He Cheats". Ok. Woooah. Maybe they could have called the song "Let's Go Commit Some Felonies", because I mean...damn... The followup to the song could be by a guy called "I Just Pressed Charges". What is after "Before He Cheats" on Carrie's album? Is it "I Shot You In The Face"? It reminds me of that song by the Dixie Chicks where they kill that guy. What is it with country music chicks? All the killing. All the vandalism. It's like 90's era gangsta rap took the East Coast/West Coast anger and gave it to women in country music after Tupac and Biggie got capped.These chicks are pissed. And they're fed up with your shit so beware. When your rolling through your lady's cd collection and you see a copy of Wide Open Spaces, you better watch your ass.
************************************************************
Have you ever taken a shower somewhere and noticed the showehead indicating a massage setting? Not to spoil the surprise here, but it's probably the worst massage ever. Who came up with this idea? I mean, were massages horribly inadequate when this showerhead was designed? I have to say, I feel sorry for people who turn this on and are suddenly relaxed and relieved of stress... Because that person has obviously never felt the touch of another human being in their life. I hearby issue a boycott on all showerheads that can claim to give a massage until we can get this right. And I've brought this up to several people in the past and some of you ladies out there use the showerhead for some dirty things. Look, I'm not raining on your parade. If it had a "masturbation" setting, I wouldn't be all up in arms. But it doesn't. So I'm not going to take it anymore.
************************************************************
Um, I don't listen to the radio too much anymore. At least not much top 40 stuff. Every now and again I'll come across something that has some major current pop relevance in our culture. So the other day I heard a song by Carrie Underwood called "Before He Cheats". Ok. Woooah. Maybe they could have called the song "Let's Go Commit Some Felonies", because I mean...damn... The followup to the song could be by a guy called "I Just Pressed Charges". What is after "Before He Cheats" on Carrie's album? Is it "I Shot You In The Face"? It reminds me of that song by the Dixie Chicks where they kill that guy. What is it with country music chicks? All the killing. All the vandalism. It's like 90's era gangsta rap took the East Coast/West Coast anger and gave it to women in country music after Tupac and Biggie got capped.These chicks are pissed. And they're fed up with your shit so beware. When your rolling through your lady's cd collection and you see a copy of Wide Open Spaces, you better watch your ass.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Look At What I Did With My Sociology Degree Today!
Look what I did with my sociogy degree today!
Here's what I did with my sociolgy degree today... I just mailed this. I better get some sort of response.
************************************************************
The Walt Disney Corp.
PO Box 3232
Anaheim, CA 92803
Dear Walt Disney Corporation,
Due to the intense enthusiast my wife has been in your characters throughout her lifetime, and thus my recent reintroduction to many of your popular trademarks and symbols, it has dawned on me to question many of the held philosophies of the Disney universe. While it appears that most, if not all the characters in your realm are animals, how do you feel it is possible to basically turn the animal world upside down to simply create a colorful empire that in no way could ever exist?
First of all, Mickey Mouse is a mouse and Pluto is a dog. How could a mouse ever hold dominion over a dog? It would seem to be impossible, although I suppose it could happen. The fact that Mickey holds an enormous size advantage to most mice could probably gain him the mastery over Pluto. Still, what gave him this loftiness? Surely evolution could not have brought him to this state this quickly in any modern timeline…
If the fact that a mouse could have a dog as a pet is not insulting enough to Pluto, one begs to question another popular dogs stature in the Disney cosmos. Apparently Goofy is a dog as well. How did he evolve to the point where he can walk on two legs, and (though albeit, it appears he suffers from some sense of mental hindrance), have the ability to speak? How do you think this makes Pluto feel? What force freed Goofy to a life of freedom, though still works to hold Pluto in the bonds of slavery?
Finally it appears that some model of decency exists in this bizarre domain, as most of the characters wear some sort of clothing. I suppose that Pluto is free to roam naked as most pets are, and almost all of thee others are clad in pants. Donald Duck, however, must not have seen the ordinance demanding some sort of respect of moral ethics, as he is often seen running around with a violent temper and wearing only a modest jacket. If someone were acting this way in any other modern society, he would likely be jailed and dismissed as either insane, or at the very least, a deviant thug.
I would be very appreciative if you could answer these questions. I hold a bachelor of arts from an accredited university and majored in sociology with a concentration in criminology, and by all accounts this world you depict ignores all the theories of which I have ever studied. This civilization would eventually destroy itself if it could ever exist in the first place. It breaks nearly all rules of social interaction. What are we teaching our children? That pants are optional? That some classes of dogs are seemingly more advanced than others? That mice can grow to non-proportionate sizes? A timely answer to these questions would be most becoming of you as a gigantic corporation that probably has someone on staff to read things like this.
Sincerely yours,
Samuel C. Terito
LSU BA '01
Here's what I did with my sociolgy degree today... I just mailed this. I better get some sort of response.
************************************************************
The Walt Disney Corp.
PO Box 3232
Anaheim, CA 92803
Dear Walt Disney Corporation,
Due to the intense enthusiast my wife has been in your characters throughout her lifetime, and thus my recent reintroduction to many of your popular trademarks and symbols, it has dawned on me to question many of the held philosophies of the Disney universe. While it appears that most, if not all the characters in your realm are animals, how do you feel it is possible to basically turn the animal world upside down to simply create a colorful empire that in no way could ever exist?
First of all, Mickey Mouse is a mouse and Pluto is a dog. How could a mouse ever hold dominion over a dog? It would seem to be impossible, although I suppose it could happen. The fact that Mickey holds an enormous size advantage to most mice could probably gain him the mastery over Pluto. Still, what gave him this loftiness? Surely evolution could not have brought him to this state this quickly in any modern timeline…
If the fact that a mouse could have a dog as a pet is not insulting enough to Pluto, one begs to question another popular dogs stature in the Disney cosmos. Apparently Goofy is a dog as well. How did he evolve to the point where he can walk on two legs, and (though albeit, it appears he suffers from some sense of mental hindrance), have the ability to speak? How do you think this makes Pluto feel? What force freed Goofy to a life of freedom, though still works to hold Pluto in the bonds of slavery?
Finally it appears that some model of decency exists in this bizarre domain, as most of the characters wear some sort of clothing. I suppose that Pluto is free to roam naked as most pets are, and almost all of thee others are clad in pants. Donald Duck, however, must not have seen the ordinance demanding some sort of respect of moral ethics, as he is often seen running around with a violent temper and wearing only a modest jacket. If someone were acting this way in any other modern society, he would likely be jailed and dismissed as either insane, or at the very least, a deviant thug.
I would be very appreciative if you could answer these questions. I hold a bachelor of arts from an accredited university and majored in sociology with a concentration in criminology, and by all accounts this world you depict ignores all the theories of which I have ever studied. This civilization would eventually destroy itself if it could ever exist in the first place. It breaks nearly all rules of social interaction. What are we teaching our children? That pants are optional? That some classes of dogs are seemingly more advanced than others? That mice can grow to non-proportionate sizes? A timely answer to these questions would be most becoming of you as a gigantic corporation that probably has someone on staff to read things like this.
Sincerely yours,
Samuel C. Terito
LSU BA '01
Look At What I Did With My Sociology Degree Today!
Look what I did with my sociogy degree today!
Here's what I did with my sociolgy degree today... I just mailed this. I better get some sort of response.
************************************************************
The Walt Disney Corp.
PO Box 3232
Anaheim, CA 92803
Dear Walt Disney Corporation,
Due to the intense enthusiast my wife has been in your characters throughout her lifetime, and thus my recent reintroduction to many of your popular trademarks and symbols, it has dawned on me to question many of the held philosophies of the Disney universe. While it appears that most, if not all the characters in your realm are animals, how do you feel it is possible to basically turn the animal world upside down to simply create a colorful empire that in no way could ever exist?
First of all, Mickey Mouse is a mouse and Pluto is a dog. How could a mouse ever hold dominion over a dog? It would seem to be impossible, although I suppose it could happen. The fact that Mickey holds an enormous size advantage to most mice could probably gain him the mastery over Pluto. Still, what gave him this loftiness? Surely evolution could not have brought him to this state this quickly in any modern timeline…
If the fact that a mouse could have a dog as a pet is not insulting enough to Pluto, one begs to question another popular dogs stature in the Disney cosmos. Apparently Goofy is a dog as well. How did he evolve to the point where he can walk on two legs, and (though albeit, it appears he suffers from some sense of mental hindrance), have the ability to speak? How do you think this makes Pluto feel? What force freed Goofy to a life of freedom, though still works to hold Pluto in the bonds of slavery?
Finally it appears that some model of decency exists in this bizarre domain, as most of the characters wear some sort of clothing. I suppose that Pluto is free to roam naked as most pets are, and almost all of thee others are clad in pants. Donald Duck, however, must not have seen the ordinance demanding some sort of respect of moral ethics, as he is often seen running around with a violent temper and wearing only a modest jacket. If someone were acting this way in any other modern society, he would likely be jailed and dismissed as either insane, or at the very least, a deviant thug.
I would be very appreciative if you could answer these questions. I hold a bachelor of arts from an accredited university and majored in sociology with a concentration in criminology, and by all accounts this world you depict ignores all the theories of which I have ever studied. This civilization would eventually destroy itself if it could ever exist in the first place. It breaks nearly all rules of social interaction. What are we teaching our children? That pants are optional? That some classes of dogs are seemingly more advanced than others? That mice can grow to non-proportionate sizes? A timely answer to these questions would be most becoming of you as a gigantic corporation that probably has someone on staff to read things like this.
Sincerely yours,
Samuel C. Terito
LSU BA '01
Here's what I did with my sociolgy degree today... I just mailed this. I better get some sort of response.
************************************************************
The Walt Disney Corp.
PO Box 3232
Anaheim, CA 92803
Dear Walt Disney Corporation,
Due to the intense enthusiast my wife has been in your characters throughout her lifetime, and thus my recent reintroduction to many of your popular trademarks and symbols, it has dawned on me to question many of the held philosophies of the Disney universe. While it appears that most, if not all the characters in your realm are animals, how do you feel it is possible to basically turn the animal world upside down to simply create a colorful empire that in no way could ever exist?
First of all, Mickey Mouse is a mouse and Pluto is a dog. How could a mouse ever hold dominion over a dog? It would seem to be impossible, although I suppose it could happen. The fact that Mickey holds an enormous size advantage to most mice could probably gain him the mastery over Pluto. Still, what gave him this loftiness? Surely evolution could not have brought him to this state this quickly in any modern timeline…
If the fact that a mouse could have a dog as a pet is not insulting enough to Pluto, one begs to question another popular dogs stature in the Disney cosmos. Apparently Goofy is a dog as well. How did he evolve to the point where he can walk on two legs, and (though albeit, it appears he suffers from some sense of mental hindrance), have the ability to speak? How do you think this makes Pluto feel? What force freed Goofy to a life of freedom, though still works to hold Pluto in the bonds of slavery?
Finally it appears that some model of decency exists in this bizarre domain, as most of the characters wear some sort of clothing. I suppose that Pluto is free to roam naked as most pets are, and almost all of thee others are clad in pants. Donald Duck, however, must not have seen the ordinance demanding some sort of respect of moral ethics, as he is often seen running around with a violent temper and wearing only a modest jacket. If someone were acting this way in any other modern society, he would likely be jailed and dismissed as either insane, or at the very least, a deviant thug.
I would be very appreciative if you could answer these questions. I hold a bachelor of arts from an accredited university and majored in sociology with a concentration in criminology, and by all accounts this world you depict ignores all the theories of which I have ever studied. This civilization would eventually destroy itself if it could ever exist in the first place. It breaks nearly all rules of social interaction. What are we teaching our children? That pants are optional? That some classes of dogs are seemingly more advanced than others? That mice can grow to non-proportionate sizes? A timely answer to these questions would be most becoming of you as a gigantic corporation that probably has someone on staff to read things like this.
Sincerely yours,
Samuel C. Terito
LSU BA '01
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Animal Planet
So Animal Planet. The channel that LOVES animals, right? All animals? Because I just saw a full grown lion take down a poor gazzelle. I guess you didn't love the gazzelle that much, Animal Planet. What the fuck, man... So you love all the animals that aren't fodder for the other animals to look better. I suppose the zebra that I just saw a cheetah drag to the ground unmercifully was just a speed bump. Just a prop? Motherfuckers.
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Speaking of animals, I was driving to work this morning and I was looking out the window. Flying high in the air was some sort of hawk or falcon or eagle... I'm not quite sure. Either way, there were a series of smaller birds like dive bombing at it, and I couldn't help but say aloud to the eagle, from my car window, "What did you do? What the hell did you just get into, man?" I mean, something was up. That eagle must have done something, unless the smaller birds were just fucking with him, which I could honestly see too. "Hey, lets go fuck with that eagle over there..." That reminds me. I still hate most everyone I went to middle school with.
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For shits and giggles, check out me and Adam's new podcast, Crapchat. It's so radical that you'll be speaking in tongues shortly after listening to it. Click HERE to listen. Scroll down and click "episode 2". There's like this 1 minute commercial to get thru but then it'll crank right up. You'll love it. Or hate it. Or hate to love it. Or whatever.
***************************************************************
Speaking of animals, I was driving to work this morning and I was looking out the window. Flying high in the air was some sort of hawk or falcon or eagle... I'm not quite sure. Either way, there were a series of smaller birds like dive bombing at it, and I couldn't help but say aloud to the eagle, from my car window, "What did you do? What the hell did you just get into, man?" I mean, something was up. That eagle must have done something, unless the smaller birds were just fucking with him, which I could honestly see too. "Hey, lets go fuck with that eagle over there..." That reminds me. I still hate most everyone I went to middle school with.
**************************************************************
For shits and giggles, check out me and Adam's new podcast, Crapchat. It's so radical that you'll be speaking in tongues shortly after listening to it. Click HERE to listen. Scroll down and click "episode 2". There's like this 1 minute commercial to get thru but then it'll crank right up. You'll love it. Or hate it. Or hate to love it. Or whatever.
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