welcome to Applebees.

i think the band is gonna learn about an hour of nothing but local commercials. we're gonna learn everything from the Cribbs Incorporated song (which is a pretty long one if you've ever heard the entire opus) on down to the very simple but moving "Oh, Oh, OH.. OLINDES!". who are the people who sing these songs? i mean, it's the same people. from "CARPET KINGDOM CAN!" to "HALPIN'S CARPET!". its the same little chorus of the same 10 people or so. if they can do it, hell... so can we. and people are gonna like it, dammit! hi. welcome to Applebees. table for 2? smoking or non? ok, follow me while i seat you as close as i possibly can to this other full-ass table even though every other table in here is empty... i don't like seating sections in restaurants. i know you have to fill up Jimmy's section, but is there anyway you can use a little tiny part of your brain and figure out that me and my guest would prefer NOT to sit 2 fucking inches away from this other damned table. i mean, the entire restaurant is empty for pete's sake. don't be dumb, now. one day and one day soon, i'm gonna sport a mohawk. the last time (and only time) i ever shaved my head, i of course shaved myself the customary mohawk before i shaved the rest off. i want another one. and i'm gonna get me one, bitches... i want to get a job at McDonalds for the sole reason of finding out how fast i can get fired. really. i already have a career so it's not like it would help my resume or anything. i want to get the uniforms and everything, go into work and curse someone out on a drive-thru speaker. that would be the coolest. i'd start off real subtle. "Welcome To McDonalds... (then i would say "shit" real softly, then) Can I help you?" i think i could just do that all day. eventually i'd build up to the point of just screaming "FUCK SHIT BITCH ASS!" as soon as they got up to the speaker. about 6 years ago, my buddy joey got a job at taco bell. the first day he got his uniforms, they told him he'd have to shave his goatee... so he took the uniform off right there in the restaurant and left. classic. ok. time to go tee tee. sam up out of the beeyatch.

now anyone can write bad poetry...

here's some of my favorite lyrics. lemme know what you think. i'll give background on them as i go along... What if Paul May was A Trucker?!Well I was heading on down that highway, down interstate 55. I just dropped my load in Hammond and I gotta be in Tuscaloosa by 9. I got some old coffee in Crosby, and I got hookers on CB. But I tip my hat to those truckstop girls, man they think the world of me. Yeah, oh yeah… I’m sold. Yeeeeeeeeeah you can’t keep me off that road…. And although I keep on rolling I can never go home. Because it’s life out in them trenches, momma, out on that road. Is this just the ending, end is just beginning, 18 wheels a-spinning, end is just beginning.. Man, motherfucker. When the road hits the rubber. I may look like Willie Nelson, but I’m fifty years younger. I can sit around and wonder if he had a little brother. Maybe that was me and gypsies came and took me down under. Was it LSD, methamphetamines, huffing gasoline, or too much caffeine. I’m just a blip on that state troopers radar screen and I’m traveling at a speed that he would never believe. this song was actually written on the premise that my friend Paul May became a truck driver. I don't believe he's ruled it out. Technically the lyrics were just written about a misc. trucker, but since Paul wrote the song that accompanies the lyrics, he got stuck with the moniker... Spawn Of The Hell Beast While she sits at home, She sits alone and beats back down, but I should have know better, all alone, She was out fronting from the get go. Why don’t we go back to my place, Watch some old THRASHER tapes, And go and huff some freon from my air condition tanks. EVIL!!! Come on kids, it’s time to bang your heads. It’s time to tear some holes in your pants, sew patches on your threads. Oh yes it’s time. Time to get pissed off. Listen to metal and kill yourself. Cuz that’s what music was all about back in them good ole days. Hey, look at me. I can play guitar like Kerry King. I can draw that logo perfectly, and I sound like Hetfield when I sing. Yeah yeah. Down, not done for very long. We can play any Green Day song. Make it sound completely wrong but there was a time. All the kids in school will never understand that since Cobain has killed himself I wear my black arm band, but yes it’s time… Time to bring it back. That heavy metal style you lack. It’s time to grow your hair out and dye it black. So we’re left alone to make ourselves the enemy. If I could have only seen the future when I was fourteen. Why don’t we go back to my place, and drink some hot Café’ Au Lait. We can drink it straight from the ceramic mugs I made! credit this last song to the old school. remember back when kids would listen to a Metallica song, and then blow their heads off? that was great. i hint around some old Slayer references in this tune. Even the title of it is a little foreboding though it has nothing to do with the song. I could draw Slayer's logo perfectly though. in fact i still can... Redneck Kumate well i like racecars, a little country guitar a budweiser in my hand while i chill at the bar and i swear judge genius never carried a gun but still full of piss and vinegar and hard as they come i'm like a full throttled engine with the line in the red full of beers and shifting gears to the noise in my head and with the pedal to the metal i explode in the night and leave your sister in tears by the sight of my break lights showdown, sixty five - the speed limit that i'm drivin'.. . with my clinched fists in the shadow of the dashboard lighting i''ll testify, that in my life, when my battery has died they're gonna bury me in the junkyard walls, with my engine by my side i turn my key, every body waiting for me to explode engine roars into submission and i know i've got to go... have a beer. my gut is full i'm gonna go ride that mechanical bull and we can fly so high, i never wanna die. showdown, sixty five - the speed limit that i'm drivin'… with my clinched fists in the shadow of the dashboard lighting i''ll testify, that in my life, when my battery has died they're gonna bury me in the junkyard walls, with my engine by my side the engine roars, budweiser pours... and i'm never gonna die in your redneck war. this song is about how damaged my soul is and about how nobody loves me and how i'm so tortured. not really. it's about beer and trucks. i like beer and engines and boobs. this ditty is going out to them. thank you beer, engines, and boobs. if you wanna hear some of these songs, check out my band's myspace at www.myspace.com/judgegenius and feel free to comment.

Instant Messenger.

I save some of my favorites. Here's one between Jon and I a long time ago...

sk8trc187: hey there

CPT2117: well hey...

sk8trc187: do you know what you need

sk8trc187: ?

sk8trc187: ?

sk8trc187: you need a dog

sk8trc187: a little brown one named sammy

CPT2117: hmmm... no. my name is already sam. people would think i had a big ego naming my dog after myself. sk8trc187: but you didn't name the dog

CPT2117: it would be like you naming your dog jon.

sk8trc187: if i had a male dog i would name it jon

CPT2117: "hey. i'm jon. and this is my dog, jon..."

CPT2117: i want a female dog to name jon. then i'll go "this is my bitch... jon."

sk8trc187: my bitch is named sam

CPT2117: you mother fucker!!!

CPT2117: PREPARE TO DIE!

sk8trc187: do you want her?

sk8trc187: then she can be your bitch

CPT2117: truth be told, jon. i just bought a bar so i'm never gonna be home. and plus i don't have a fence.

sk8trc187: i got your fence right here

here's one between Joe and I several months ago:

CPT2117 [8:04 AM]: SAN FRANCISCO March 8 - A man who was severely mauled by two chimpanzees at an animal sanctuary last week was quickly overwhelmed when the apes attacked, his wife said Monday.

CPT2117 [8:04 AM]: "One was at his head, one was at his foot. But all that time ... he was trying to reason with them," a sobbing LaDonna Davis told ABC's "Good Morning America." "I couldn't do anything."

CPT2117 [8:05 AM]: St. James Davis, 62, lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of his buttocks in the ferocious attack, his wife said over the weekend on NBC's "Today Show." She also said one of his feet was mutilated. A Kern County Sheriff's commander also said his genitals were mauled.

JoJoD272 [8:05 AM]: Was it you who was talking about this the other day?

CPT2117 [8:05 AM]: yeah.

CPT2117 [8:06 AM]: The Davises were visiting the sanctuary to celebrate the birthday of Moe - a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their home in West Covina, a Los Angeles suburb, after biting off part of a woman's finger in 1999.

CPT2117 [8:06 AM]: the headline: Mauled Man Tried to 'Reason' With Chimps

JoJoD272 [8:07 AM]: I wonder how he tried to reason with them....

CPT2117 [8:07 AM]: i don't know, but it obviously failed.

CPT2117 [8:08 AM]: i can see him, backing up slowly... "now, wait a minute. lets discuss this..."

JoJoD272 [8:10 AM]: 'You know, Mr. Chimp, I as a human am far more intelligent than you, wha... wait a... OH MY GOD!! CPT2117 [8:11 AM]: "MY FINGERS, LIPS, CHEEKS, BUTTOCKS, AND GENITALS!!! MY FINGERS, LIPS, CHEEKS, BUTTOCKS, AND GENITALS!!!"

here's one me and joe just had...

JoJoD272 [9:12 AM]: How do you do?

CPT2117 [9:12 AM]: Fine, how are you?

JoJoD272 [9:12 AM]: How you come on?

CPT2117 [9:13 AM]: Booch-eee-boo, shyah shabone...!

CPT2117 [9:13 AM]: HOOOOOORAAAAYYYYY!

JoJoD272 [9:13 AM]: Eek! Eek!

drying out, ash wednesday, and porn stars who like coldplay?!

last friday night, i put a serious ass whippin on myself. really... i don't know what in the hell i was thinking but i went on a little rampage that involved nearly every type of alcohol-influenced emotion you could have. it was one of those vomit-and-then-you-feel-better-so-you-keep-drinking kind of nights. any one else out there? hello? i felt like nicholas cage in leaving las vegas, except instead of getting ass from elizabeth shue, i was BEING an ass and i feeling like the BOTTOM of a shoe the next day. we went to spanish town and i almost threw up all over myself. hey, you know how rabbits do that thing with their mouths when they eat? i wish i could do that. so anyways it's ash wednesday and i have to give something up that i like. hmmm... what will it be? i wish you could give up something unpleasant (with a .0001 chance of happening) and be done with it. like... i'll give up being impaled through the eyes with goat horns. or elephant tusks. i'll give up being crushed by pianos or falling down elevator shafts. last year i gave up red meat and i think i'm probably going to do the same this year. in fact, me and joe just had this conversation on . JoJoD272 [9:08 AM]: How is your Ash Wednesday going? CPT2117 [9:09 AM]: wonderous. CPT2117 [9:09 AM]: i've given up red meat and pork. JoJoD272 [9:09 AM]: Isn't that what you did last year? CPT2117 [9:10 AM]: yes. JoJoD272 [9:11 AM]: Jesus hates unoriginality... CPT2117 [9:12 AM]: uh oh. JoJoD272 [9:13 AM]: Yes, you are doomed... CPT2117 [9:13 AM]: i think i'm just going to give up being impaled through the eyes with elephant tusks. JoJoD272 [9:14 AM]: That would be a true sacrifice... CPT2117 [9:14 AM]: indeed. oh well. i'm off like a light. here's the thought of the day: do porn stars listen to sad songs? i mean, can you imagine people who engage in three way sex listening to reflective music like the Garden State soundtrack or Jude? can you see Jenna Jameson crying in her car while the Shins play across her stereo?

you know, i've done some incredibly inane shit in my life...

one time, me and a few of my friends all gathered under an overpass over by Blvd Du Province and Old Hammond, and threw bottles over the bridge to watch them burst on the other side. well, eventually one of us connected with a lexus which immediately pulled into the Circle K nearby. instead of running, we concluded they didn't see us. they went ahead and flagged down some policia, and next thing you know i'm handcuffed in the back of a patrol car. my dad told me that he'd "failed as a father" that night and i was grounded for the entire summer. i honestly think this is the pivotal moment where i could have made the transition from innocent law abiding kid to freon huffing bastard who hates everyone and eventually ends up on doing designer drugs and going to raves. i think i made the right choice, but i don't think i'll ever know. **************************************************************** you know the saying "we won, we won, we shot the beebee gun..."? well when i was a kid, i had to endure this saying fairly often (because let's face it - i'm not the most athletic fellow). well one day i said "we lost, we lost. we ate the applesauce". now obviously i had heard this before but i didn't know where... so i convinced myself that i had come up with it. for the longest time i thought that i created this saying and i actually boasted to people in class about it. all the way up to high school, i remember telling people that was my creation. nowadays i'm fairly sure that the saying was just too widespread to be all my own, but i don't think you can prove that i didn't come up with it. in a related subject, i thought i'd come up with the saying "blue screen of death" (to refer to the error message that pops up on your computer screen when something is horribly wrong) as well... **************************************************************** i think teaching has got to be one of the hardest professions there could possibly be. kids are fucking cruel, and to have to deal with them (being the most wretched creatures on earth that they are) takes some serious will. when i was in seventh grade, i actually witnessed one of my teachers go insane. she slowly went crazy during the duration of the school year, and by the end of it she decided to walk around the class telling each individual student what she thought of them. so she's walking around telling 12 year olds things like "i like you; i don't like you; you're ok; i really like you; i don't care for you so much...". well when she gets to me, she says "and hate is not a strong enough word for what i feel for you...". i'm just staring at her. eventually i just said "well, ok." i wonder what she's doing now. maybe she has a myspace account... hmmm....

...and so mardi gras begins

lindsay lohan is filming a friggin movie in new orleans. why did none of you tell me this?! WHY?! i wonder where she'd hang out in NO. she seems like a riverwalk gal. one day when JG makes it big, i'm going to take my wife Lindsay Lohan to Saints games. hey. myles called me last night. Judge Genius is opening for Fishbone at the Spanish Moon on April 22. it could be the start of something. maybe Lohan will be there. last night i danced my ass off at Star 80. it was a good end to a weird night. i through back a Ninfarita around 7ish, then had a couple beers. next thing on my agenda was helping mac with a frat party at the NGT starring the TKE's and DZ's... we noticed they liked to dance to 50 Cent more than the Mars Volta. oh those frat kids. i'm at work right now, and i have to be at another work for 5. Lucid Soule is playing tonight and they're always a hoot. maybe i'll see some of you peoples. Spanish Town Parade tomorrow! Elsah is playing a 4 keg party. check out www.batonrougerocks.com for more details. i'll be back monday with my thoughts on the Super Bowl!

the thief joggers

my face hurts. my eyeballs are reddened by the tiny burst blood vessels in there. the fits won't stop... i drove to Breaux Bridge to pick up a set of blueprints (for my other job) and almost had to pull over. son of a bitch bastard! the other day i was thinking. you know how when you're driving in residential/highway neighborhoods (like down Stanford or Old Hammond or Corporate), there's always people running on the sidewalks... like for excersice and stuff. you really never pay them any mind. BUT - what if they were thieves? what if robbers starting wearing that shit, busting into houses and grabbing a napsack full of jewelry, then lightly jogging down the street in an adidas jumpsuit? checking his pedometer for extra cover. shit, you don't even have to run like you robbed something. just powerwalk all the way to the pawn shop. thats it. now i guess i've ruined it for all those thief-joggers out there. sorry. guess i can soon be expecting somebody who looks like Lance Armestrong stealing my PS2 while i sleep.