Hot Pockets and the New Year! Hot Pockets and the New Year! Yay!

I spent the waking hours of 2007 just like I do every year. In bed. And just like every year I turn on the TV and do 2 things. First, I turn it to the radar channel and look at the new date. "January 1, 2007". It always kind of wierds me out seeing it for the first time. It will probably take me till around March to finally stop writing "2006" on fax cover sheets, etc. Second, I turn it to the Cotton Bowl and check the score. It's the first bowl game of the new year, and it's always on so early I don't seem to give a shit about it. Then I got up and took a shower. The first shower of 2007. I was so unbelievably hungover, I dropped the soap and was too sickenly depressed to bend over and pick it up, so I just stood there under the showerhead for about 15 minutes staring into space. Then I finally picked it up, finished showering, turned off the shower and almost dripped dry before I opened the shower door. So yes, this is my new year's ritual, and I will perform it faithfully for the rest of my life... so there that is.
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Is it possible to make a Hot Pocket, and then not burn the shit out of yourself while trying to eat it? I've tried everything, to cutting it in half and then blowing into it for 20 minutes. I've put it in the freezer. Some friends of mine the other day suggested just eating it frozen, right out of the package. But that would not be a Hot Pocket. It would be a Cold, Frozen Pocket... which is not nearly as appealing. Anyways, that gooey and melted cheese is like fucking napalm. It never seems to fail, that I'll bite into my delicious Hot Pocket and then immediately regret it, blowing air out of my lips trying to quell the skin searing inferno, while also trying not to lose any of the yummy and satisfying pizza-esque cheesy ham and/or anything else that could be in this blessed blend of spice and bread. It's like a flavor pinata. A pinata that yields fire and lava, but as well as the best tasting substance on earth. I love to hate and love you, Hot Pocket. It's like the blending of heaven and hell. I offer up the sacrifice of all the skin from the roof of my mouth, but then you reward me with the scrumtious gift of taste. Seems like a fair trade to me.
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White elephants and bluetooth earpieces.

This Christmas, I was introduced to an interesting way of exchanging presents known as the "White Elephant" game. Why it is called that, I have no idea. I know the "white horse" supposedly refers to cocaine, which would lead me to believe that a "white elephant" would be a SHITLOAD of cocaine... Though wouldn't be very Christmassy unless you were Columbian or an 80's yuppie stockbroker. Anyway, the premise is that everyone brings a gift, and then draws numbers. The person with the lowest number picks a gift and opens it. Then the person with the next number picks a gift, and so on and so forth. Here's the deal though. If you don't like what you have just opened, then you can steal a person's gift. After having the rules explained to me, I said "This doesn't seem very Christian, I mean... with all this stealing going down" to which everybody kind of gave me a look. Then I turned to one of Aimee's cousins and said "Well, I'm going to go and rob a Walgreen's then." He smiled and said, "Of course you can do that. Just explain to them that its the white elephant game."
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Hey, you there. Mr Bluetooth Earpiece Man. I don't mean to interrupt what is probably a very important conversation for an obviously super important man like yourself. It's just that you look like a fucking idiot with that thing on your head. Is it that hard to actually hold the phone to your ear? I mean, you don't necessarilly look like a day trader or a CEO or anything. You don't look like you NEED to have a bluetooth device. Instead you want to stand next to me in line at a bank and yell into the air about how yo baby mama don't need to be disrespektin' yo ass... In all fairness, I bought a bluetooth earpiece to wear when I'm driving. Even then I'll put it on the side of my head NOT facing the window because I feel like a douche. But I'm not going to wear it in a really loud club standing next to a subwoofer acting like I can hear ANYTHING coming out of an earpiece.

Regarding Han-ry Solo

Regarding Henry, a 1991 motion picture starring Harrison Ford and Annette Bening, is on my television. In it, Harrison Ford's character plays this super asshole lawyer who gets shot in the head during a convenience store robbery, survives, goes through an extensive and grueling physical therapy, and makes a miraculous recovery. The only problem is that he's been stricken with amnesia and understandably kind of retarded.
It's kind of stupid, because probably in reality, Henry would probably remain in a vegetative state ala Terri Schiavo, or maybe just a total whackjob running around all berserk and knocking over lamps or breaking car windows. I guess that could kind of be a comedy, but being shot in a convenience store would likely kick it off in a darker light. Still, I think I'd like to see that film.
I think it would be a particularly awesome turn if Henry goes back to work at the firm, starts rambling and screaming, and eventually has to be subdued by a taser after punching out his secretary. No matter where he goes, he could just break out in these insane bursts of total freakoutdom, squealing and slapping people. Like, Henry goes to the grocery store and then breaks out into a sprint and ends up molesting a police horse and throwing some baby strollers in a dumpster. That would be great. Harrison Ford would have probably passed on that version after reading the script, but I would definitely jump on the role.
Perhaps we could keep the film the exact same way, but just switch Annette Bening's character with the one she played in American Beauty. Always berating and screaming at Henry for doing something stupid. That would probably be pretty cruel. If you in turn put her character in this film into American Beauty, it would probably have made Kevin Spacey's life just forever average. Why would he ever want to rise up against Henry's wife. She's just so nice.
Speaking of character swaps, what if we put Henry in as Han Solo in the Star Wars movies. He'd be flying the Millenium Falcon along, just erratically and with no particular path. Eventually, Luke would probably get concerned and ask where the fuck he was going. But if he was anything like Bening's character in Regarding Henry, he'd feel bad and try to coach him along and offer an inspirational hand...

Eventually I changed the channel.

Various Thoughts

1. Fuck it. Let's quit.
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2. Don't you just love it when you go into a gas station, convenience store, Target, Wal-Mart, or anywhere else that allows you to pay with a debit/credit card? Here's the scenario... You're standing at the counter ready to complete your purchase. You produce your debit/credit card, and you hear the question: "Is that Creddick or Debit?". First of all, what is "creddick"? Did you mean to say "CREDIT?" Or is "creddick" like a slick gel that you can smear on your body and travel though time. If so, then yes... I'll take the Creddick. Does it cost extra?
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3. Sometime while shopping this holiday season, you're going to encounter a strange situation, act like it's not there, and get the Everything-About-This-Situation-Is-Completely-Normal look on your face. You'll be at the mall or at Best Buy and suddenly somebody is going to be walking in front of you with a gimp retard leg and you're just gonna stare straight ahead... like everything is totally fine. Maybe you'll see some white trash lady beating the absolute shit out of her ADHD riddled kids in front of like the Nature's Wonders store, or waiting for a cashier while a retarded person who's with the people in front of you stares at your crotch. I don't know. Just wait, it's gonna happen at some point. And it's going to be fucking awesome!
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Meth, Retail Rewards, Garbage cans, and even more Rachel Ray!

Take a look at these pictures...

(Picture of Glen Cambell, Rip Torn, and Nick Nolte)


Now, what do these people have in common? Well, they're all celebrities for one. But more notably these people ARE FUCKING SCARY LOOKING. I mean, I know they're a little bit older, but when me or the people I know get absolutely wasted, we look a hell of a lot better than this. These people look like Livingston Parish meth fiends.
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Today I noticed something I subconsiously do that I found kind of interesting. When I buy things at the convenience store and I have exact change, I'll quickly hand them the dollars and coins and wait to see if they're impressed that I could count it out so fast. I feel like I've beaten them at their own game and they should tell me something like "You know, you combined 2 dollar bills, a dime, a nickle, and three pennies to arrive at $2.18 faster than anyone else did today...". I deserve a treat. I feel like if I can put 60 cents in the Coke machine fast enough, I should get not only 1 coke, but another little can just to reward me for my quick counting lower tiered retail prowess....
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In fast food restaurants, the term "Thank You" on the garbage can is being a little presumptious. What if that person did something horrible in the restaurant and didn't deserve thanks? What if he went and pissed all over the bathroom or worse yet, robbed the place? Granted, he probably wouldn't use the trash can at that point. Wouldn't make much sense, really. Still, I guess it's better than the trashcan reading "Fuck You!". Actually, now that I think about it... that would be the coolest trash can in the world. I know what I want for Christmas!
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The other day during lunch, me and my brother were over at my parents house and we got on the topic of Rachel Ray. I was like "Man, isn't Rachel Ray everywhere?" and he was like "I hate that fucking bitch...". Then we somehow came up with other shows she could host playing off the Everyday With Rachel Ray guise. We came up with "Eating Hay with Rachel Ray", we had "Sculpting Clay with Rachel Ray"... but my favorite was "Let Us Pray to Rachel Ray" in which she grabs people out of the television audience to come down on the studio and worship her. Then my brother said Rachel's husband was paying some whore like $2000 a month to spit on him. It kind of made me feel bad for all the stuff I said about her, but then I got over it.
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"You should seeeeee.... what's on HGTV (you should see...)."

That's the little bumper song segment that HGTV plays between commercials. The only thing is that it doesn't make sense. If you're seeing and hearing that bumper, then you're obviously already seeing what's on HGTV. You're watching HGTV at the time. The song should go like this: "You should seeeeee.... what's on HGTV... in addition to now, also later today, and maybe tomorrow too". I guess that would be a little too long but i don't know. Just a thought really.

Rachel Ray's Weird Mouth

Who is Rachel Ray? Where did she come from? Why all of a sudden is she on every channel of my televsion? Why is she on my box of Wheat Thins? Did she have a childhood, or was she just created to help housewives get creative decorating tips? If so, her creator (or should I say cre-Ray-tor) only messed up one thing... her weird little joker like mouth.
I can't stop looking at it. Oh sure, I can hear her talking, and I can see she's showing me how to make an easter basket out of an egg carton, but all I can concentrate on are those little 90 degree angled creases next to her mouth. See here...

(Image from Myspace Blog)

Notice how angled those things are. I mean, they are super mighty pointy. I think that guy sitting next to her wearing his keychain around his neck almost cut himself on Rachel's mouth apparatus. Now that I look a little harder, he has some too, though not nearly as defined. Maybe he was trying to out point her. Maybe he was mocking her. Maybe this was taken at the "Everyone Who Has Rigid Pointy Mouth Creases" Convention 2006, featuring super celeb Rachel Ray.
Personally, i think it may be time to fire up the bat signal. Get a big spotlight and shine it out to the sky. We all might be in grave danger, because I think this guy might be back, though dresses in a very clever disquise:

If she starts adversing Smilex (remember the product the Joker came out with in 1991's Batman that killed everybody), then I'm gonna start freaking.
Now everytime you see her on TV, you're going to think about this. I'm not trying to take anything away from Rachel Ray. I just think there's some reason she's everywhere. It's that mouth. It's intriguing. It's static. It just opens and closes while the rest of her bounces all around it.

I don't know. It's just sort of weird.

Pee, Bumper Stickers, and Being Scared of Ants

There's a few things you notice when drinking energy drinks, most notably Diet Rockstar. For one, it doesn't really taste good and you can literally feel it burning your esophagus. Still, the greatest thing about it is that it turns your pee to the color of a yellow highlighter, which is frightening almost as it is funny. Try it out and let me know what you think about that...
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I have most recently seen the 2 greatest bumper stickers ever. The first one was on a pickup that pulled out in front of me on Cedercrest coming out of the Home Despot. It read "Vegetarian: Old Indian Word for 'Bad Hunter'". I thought that was pretty funny, and I wasn't even mad at him anymore for pulling out in front of me. The other funny one I saw when me and Mikey were on our way to a Knuckledusta show. It was on the back of an El Camino and it read "Abortion is Mean". We were just busting out in laughter. I don't know if that's a political statement or not, I guess it just is what it is. Man, oh man...
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One thing I can't stand is when I'm standing at a urinal and peeing, and another guy walks up to the urinal directly next to me. It's no problem if that's all you have available, but if there's anywhere else you can go - please do so. That's unnerving. I almost want to stop peeing. Or maybe keep peeing but nonchelantly scoot to the next urinal while peeing on the wall between them. What the fuck? Get away from me, you freak. Wait for a stall. Either that or go in the sink. Regardless, I don't need you all next to me and shit, you motherfucker.
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I'm gonna hit you with a theory of mine. Ready? Here it is: Roaches are only scary because they run fast. This is a theory I've had for a while. If they were slow, you wouldn't flip out when you saw them. You'd just be like "Oh, look. How did THIS get in here?". It's like ants. They're not so scary because they're a lot slower. I don't know anyone who is scared of ants. You're scared of what they COULD do to you, but not immediately afraid of them. It's not like you see an antpile in the back yard and go "Fuck! We have Ants!" and just lose your mind. You just make a mental note to not happen upon them and blankly stand there, right? So there it is. Speed is scary. Write that down.